Totally Gay

Everything you’ve ever wanted to know about being gay (but were too damned fabulous to ask)

As the only card-carrying homo in my small circle of friends and my even
smaller immediate family, I’ve found that I’ve become the de
facto head of intelligence when it comes to everything gay. They come to me
when they want to know if their boss is gay or not, whether or not their
sister’s love of home renovation means something more, or what the deal
is with those drag queens.

Now, I never have all of the answers—no one would—but as one of
their only sources for this kind of information, I’ve had to assume the
role of teacher and explain to them the ins and outs of what it means to be
gay. Or, at the very least, give them another point of view so they can
arrive at their own conclusions. I guarantee the following questions are ones
we’ve all been asked before, or at one point or another, have even
asked ourselves. Some may seem like obvious, stupid questions. But they still
have merit and are usually asked by people who are genuinely interested and
would benefit from someone giving them an equally genuine and honest answer,
instead of just being brushed off.

These answers aren’t final: just because I’m gay, it
doesn’t mean I know everything about every gay person or situation or
issue. But if I’ve learned anything for sure, it’s that you will
never learn more about your own sexuality than when you’re discussing
it with someone else.

How do you know you’re gay? The easiest answer is an even easier
question for them to answer: How do you know you’re straight? You just

Since when have you known that you’re gay? The only thing I hate more
than this question is the answer that I most often hear: “I’ve
known that I was gay forever” or “Ever since I was a
child.” That’s not true. No one knows that they like cock (or
pussy, if I’m being an equal opportunity pottymouth) when they’re
under the age of 13. Seriously, sexual urges, gay or straight, don’t
come until puberty. I’m no scientist or nuthin’, but c’mon.
Sure, you might have known you were different than the other boys/girls back
then, but there is no way you knew that you would like taking
“it” up “there” just because you liked playing with
your sister’s dolls. Looking back, there will always be those signs,
but that doesn’t mean you knew what they meant back then, or that if
you did, you would have done something about it. Sometimes playing with dolls
is just playing with dolls.

Is being gay a choice? If it was, then why are there so many straight people?

Is it okay for one gay guy to call another gay guy a fag? Hells no. Does it
happen? Actually, not as much as you would think. It’s one of those
words that’s still offensive even in spite of many attempts by some in
the minority to reclaim it. And don’t even think about adding a
“-got” to it unless you’re a gay white rapper. Only then
would it be okay.

Don’t you think bisexuality is just a stopover on the way to Gaytown?
My take on bisexuality is quite simple. In my opinion, it doesn’t
exist, at least not in polygamist terms of being able to be in a relationship
with both a man and a woman at the same time. Bisexuality, to me, is more of
a prolonged experimentation period. I think everyone is perfectly capable of
being aroused to the point of orgasm by either sex, regardless of their
established sexual identity. That experimenting can be fun and will
eventually lead a person one way or the other. Will it lead to Gaytown?

Maybe. For bisexual guys, that’s the assumption, as it is that bisexual
girls will end up in Straightville. But ultimately, deep down, I think there
is one side people prefer more than the other, and to be in a fulfilling
relationship, they will have to pick that one side and go with it. Is there
more to the psychology of bisexuality? Of course. But at the end, if
you’re in a relationship with one person, aren’t you either just
gay or straight?

Who’s the top and who’s the bottom? Other variations of this
question include: “Who’s the man/giver/pitcher and who’s
the lady/receiver/catcher?” or my personal favourite, “When you
go out on a date, who pays for dinner?” And this is applicable to
lesbians too. People usually won’t use the terms “top” and
“bottom” either because they’re being polite or they just
don’t know what they mean. Either way, I have no real answer for this
question. I guess in any sexual relationship, there are certain roles that
need to be filled and certain people fill them. Being a bottom doesn’t
make you the weaker half, nor does being a top make you the stronger one in
other non-sexual aspects of the relationship, if that’s the
implication. It just means there are certain things you like to do and
certain things you like to have done to you.

In other news … HIV Edmonton’s 15th Annual HIV/AIDS Walk for Life
is coming up on Sun, Sep 24. Last year they raised more than $22 000 locally
for the cause. If you’re interested in participating, visit to learn more about the event, but I’ll be telling
you more about it next week. V

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