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Three Dollar Bill

Gay columnist loves breasts! Peter MacKay loves breasts! But columnist still loves cock

I love a fabulous rack. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I admit it: I am a
boobiesexual.

Tits, bazoombas, bodacious tatas! Welcome to my world.

And this past weekend in Halifax, I was dazzled by the most famous and most
fabulous rack on the planet, that of former Canadian Baywatch babe Pamela
Anderson, who was in town hosting the star-studded Juno Awards.

Now, I once slept with a pre-op tranny years ago at Toronto Pride. So, honey,
I wouldn’t hesitate one second getting down and dirty with a she-male,
as long as she had tits like Pamela Anderson and a dick like Tommy
Lee’s!

When Pamela made her fab entrance at her very entertaining Juno press
conference—on the arms of two RCMP officers, no less—I saw why
Pamela has become a drag icon.

I also almost decided never to wear leather pants again (I wore the same pair
all weekend) when Miss Pamela came armed with her personal publicist from
PETA, the animal-rights group Anderson has actively campaigned for over the
last 15 years. (Anderson was PETA’s very first “Lettuce
Lady” postergirl, posing in strategically placed lettuce leaves in a
hugely successful PETA “Try Vegetarian!” campaign.)

When smiling reporters asked her if Conservative PM Stephen Harper finally
met with her to discuss the Canadian seal hunt—which most Canadians
couldn’t give a shit about, since we not only love but need our fur
coats and leather pants—Anderson said, “Mr Harper wouldn’t
meet with me.”

Clearly, Harper is the only red-blooded Canadian man who won’t meet
with Pamela Anderson.

Pamela also had fun at her own expense, saying stuff like, when asked to turn
left for a snapshot, “Which left? I’m blonde!”

When asked which of her body of work she’s most proud of, Pamela listed
off all of her accomplishments, from motherhood to “all that really,
really great acting I’ve done.” Anderson is still a Canadian at
heart, her Canadian sense of humour intact and all.

My Juno confreres—Hour magazine columnists Jamie O’Meara and
Brendan Murphy, plus Scoop Silverman of Toro magazine—nearly bumped
into Pam at the CTV private party held in the Economy Shoe Shop nightclub the
night before the Junos.

The joint was packed with every D-list bitch in Halifax, not to mention
Canadian Idol judges and runners-up, plus politicians like John Reynolds and
Belinda Stronach, who herself has one helluva rack. (Later I also saw
Stronach’s ex, Foreign Affairs Minister and Maritimer Peter MacKay,
guzzling a beer while chatting up a local with big tits in The Seahorse bar
downstairs.) Political scions Ben Mulroney and Justin Trudeau were also at
the CTV party, and are clearly good friends.

I bumped into an old buddy, bestselling Montreal rocker Jonas Tomalty, to
whom I explained—in light of Pam’s presence—that I am a
boobiesexual.

“It doesn’t matter what you got going on in the fireplace as long
as you got a mantelpiece!” Jonas cracked.

The night of the Junos—after reporters were herded into a pitiful
Q&A room like a bunch of cattle, not even allowed to go out and check out
the show—I cut out early to meet Terry, the 19-year-old twinkie who
worked at my hotel gift shop, henceforth dubbed “Gift Shop” Terry
by the boys with whom I shared a Halifax hotel room.

“Bugs, I’m sure this doesn’t need to be said,”
Brendan cracked before we left Montreal, “but, at lights out, there is
a four-dude maximum room occupancy.”

So I ducked out of the Junos early and met up with Terry, who gave me a royal
Nova Scotia welcome in my hotel room. I returned the favour by giving him the
best blowjob of his life.

I then wiped my mouth and met my boys at the boozy EMI party at the Halifax
Rain Club, where everyone from legendary Canadian rock promoter Donald K
Donald to Tom Cochrane to Chad Kroeger showed up.

I didn’t get much sleep that night, what with the open-bar party packed
with boobiesexuals (which, I should mention, is a term coined by podcaster
Cunning Minx—boobiesexuals are straight women who love a beautiful
bosom).

But the term was correctly amended last week by fab Village Voice columnist
Rachel Bussel to include gay men.

Which brings me back to Pamela Anderson.

“I think I have a mostly female following,” Pam said at her CTV
press conference. “I’m a girl’s girl.”

Which goes to prove I’m not the only boobiesexual in love with Pamela
Anderson’s amazing rack. V

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