Sep. 09, 2009 - Issue #725: Sex in the City 2009

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David Berry’s Dumb Idea

David Berry does the unthinkable--calls his ex-girlfriends while sober

David Berry / david@vueweekly.com

This is, essentially, an exercise in honesty. I trust it isn't terribly controversial or revelatory to say that there isn't really scads of honesty surrounding sexual activity in our society, on either the micro or macro levels. So, while there are a variety of reasons why I've asked past sexual partners to rate my performance—I make my living critiquing people and thought it was only fair to subject myself to one, I thought it would probably be funny—essentially I was wondering what it would be like to get an honest and unfettered opinion of something that's fairly personal and usually not delivered forthrightly.

To that end, I asked several former lovers, from a variety of circumstances, to tell me how I did. I encouraged them to be as honest as possible, and then I asked them a few follow-up questions about anything in their review that intrigued me. Some rejected me outright (I quote: "This is the first time we've talked since it ended. Fuck off."), some felt too awkward to participate, but four were willing, and their responses are below.
To preserve their anonymity—no sense dragging their good names into my dumb idea—I've named them after former prime minister's wives, assigned at random—though it's entirely possible this also reflects some sort of latent political fetish I've yet to be honest with myself about. Keeping in the spirit of anonymity, I've also tried to keep the descriptions of our relationship purposely vague.

Zoé Laurier

Zoé and I dated for more than six months. My general impression was that the sex was absolutely fine but nothing particularly special, aside from a particularly fun stretch that happened after we technically broke up.

Zoé's Review

To be perfectly honest, I don't recall the details of our sex life, which I suppose says something in and of itself. When I think of our relationship, sex wasn't the highlight. I remember the good sexual moments and the bad, but not too much in-between. I maintain that you are a sensitive and timid lover, which I initially thought to be endearing, but also rather boring. Though off to an awkward start, the sex became comfortable, but was rarely exciting—until we broke up. I enjoyed the sex exponentially more after this, perhaps because of the heightened naughty factor. 

Zoé didn't reply with her responses in time for the publication deadline.

Margaret Trudeau

Margaret was an odd case, in that I was cheating on a girlfriend at the time (I'm going to forgo trying to justify myself here). It was also the best sex I've ever had in my life, the implications of which could probably take up a whole other essay.

Margaret's Review

If I had to use one word to describe sex with you, it would be "passionate." And I don't mean passionate in that icky, hold-my-chin-and-gaze-into-my-eyes-while-we-make-love kind of way. I mean doing-it-in-the-hallway-because-we-couldn't-even-wait-to-get-into-the-apartment kind of passion. Generally it was fast and intense and fun. Oh, and I really liked the fact you were up for absolutely anything. I had a fetish that had gone unfulfilled, but that wasn't an issue with you. And the sex was such that I didn't mind you expecting the same in return.

DB: Has your fetish still gone unfulfilled outside our relationship? What was it about me that made you feel alright to divulge it?

MT: Yes, it has. It's hard to say what it was that made me okay with telling you about it. I think you give off the impression that you're up for pretty much anything, so I knew you wouldn't be shocked or horrified. I must admit, I was a little surprised—in a good way—when you told me you were willing to act on it, though.

DB: Obviously ours was not a typical affair. Do you think the fact it was illicit to begin with influenced how we approached it (i.e. do you think we were a bit more free and willing with our sex because I happened to be cheating at the time)?

MT: Yes, there's no question. The fact that we were sneaking around forced us to do it wherever we could whenever we could, and this lent a sense of excitement and adventure to it that definitely isn't typical.

Maryon Pearson

Maryon and I dated for a fairly short amount of time (in the neighbourhood of a month or so). Of the people who were willing to respond, she was the one I was expecting the worst marks from. Notwithstanding a few choice encounters, sex for the most part was awkward.

Maryon's Review

Most of our sexual encounters were catalyzed by the intake of alcohol. From my sketchy rememberings, the sex when we were drunk was fun and somewhat aggressive, though not necessarily a ribbon winner, meaning I don’t think either of us orgasmed at any euphoric level. I'm also one of those girls who thinks making out is the greatest and really important, and again here when we were drunk I remember it being fun and when we were sober I remember it being somewhat awkward and stilted. In general, I think you're slightly uptight—you wear a lot of scarves and hats, and I think you're more comfortable in those than in your own skin—though you relaxed a lot when drunk, so the sex was better when we were drunk. However, in being drunk sometimes the details and staying power lacks, and therefore we never really reached any momentous occasions.

DB: We didn't date very long. How much of a factor in that was the sex?

MP: I think of course sex has a factor in everything, but it wasn't everything. What I had really enjoyed about the relationship was the dialogue between us, and the relationship seemed to be heading in a friendlier direction—more friendlier than romantic.

DB: You mentioned that there was nothing good enough to tell your gal pals about. Was there anything bad enough to rate a mention, or was it just not very noteworthy in general?

MP: I think what I mentioned to gal pals was more about your personality, or conversations we had, or weird, over-the-top sarcastic remarks you may have made, or I made to you. So I guess I found your personality more interesting than what happened between us in the bedroom.

Aline Chrétien

Aline and I had a drunken one-night stand. I haven't had enough one-night stands to know if they're generally this loose and free or there was something particularly good about this one, but I do know that I would have had no objections to a two-plus-night stand.

Aline's Review

Well, I did have a lot to drink that night, but I do remember it being a very, very good experience. You were really attentive and sensual in your approach. I also remember you being a really good kisser. Basically, it was a lot of fun.

DB: I actually had another girl tell me that it was usually better when I had been drinking. Do you think the fact we were both drunk helped?

AC: Drinking always loosens things up, but I have a feeling that that attentive nature is just who you are.

DB: I don't have a lot of experience with one-night stands. Do you? If so, do you find it generally better or worse than longer-term things, and why?

AC: I have a bit of exerience with one night stands. They always seem to happen when you have had too much to drink; therefore, that "inhibition" is more free. I wouldn't say one or the other is better: I think there's just a difference between the two. One night stands, I find, are just these fun things where you let loose and it's about the pure fun factor. But the more long time thing, it's more about love, passion, pleasing and all those things.

Conclusions

For the most part, the reviews were generally what I expected, which is slightly surprising in and of itself: I've occasionally thought that, for instance, someone else was enjoying it a tad more than I was, or that I was more into it than my partner, but it would seem that, for the most part, how things are going is fairly obvious to both partners. That's some information that would have come in handy.

That said, I was really surprised by how much everyone's response (and my recollections) basically served as a microcosm for the relationship in general. I don't know if sex is just a great metaphor for relationships or our memory just tends to conflate things, but it's an interesting concordance, anyway.

Less surprising, but a good reminder anyway, was how much a factor openness and a lack of inhibition factored into the experience, whether it was natural or chemically induced. Also, eagerness seems to count for a lot: I'm sure talent, as it were, factors in somewhere, but at least half the battle seems to be making someone feel desired, etc, since almost everyone mentioned it in some oblique way.

The last interesting thing will be the response to this article. I think it's safe to say that this level of forthrightness on this particular subject is rare even among friends and family, let alone the general public. I hope it encourages people to be a bit more forthcoming in their own experience, and not just several months worth of jokes at my expense. V