Earlier this month, we recorded our Savage Lovecast Christmas Spectacular live at Revolution Hall in Portland, Oregon. The audience submitted questions on tiny cards before the show, which allowed questioners to remain anonymous and forced them to be succinct. More questions were submitted than my guests and I could get to, so I promised the crowd I would answer as many of their unanswered questions as I could in this week’s column. Here we go…
QUESTION: I’ve heard so many horror stories and seen countless X-rays online—any tips for making sure I don’t lose any objects in my ass?
ANSWER: You know what you never see in those X-rays? Butt plugs and other toys designed for butt play. Stick to butt plugs with flared bases, dildos with bases that look like balls, orange traffic cones, etc., and you’ll be fine.
Q:How common is it really for women to squirt? I get conflicting reports.
A: This answer, courtesy of the Kinsey Institute, isn’t likely to satisfy you: “Somewhere from 10 to 54 percent of women experience some type of fluid expulsion in tandem with sexual arousal and orgasm.” Maybe the incoming Trump administration can put the scientists they’re pulling off climate change onto female ejaculation and we’ll have better numbers before the 2018 midterm elections.
Q: How do I get my partner—who says he’s into it—to top me “properly,” i.e., work me into a sub space instead of him just melting into an ooey-gooey love ball?
A: There are lots of terrific pro doms in Portland, Oregon. Hire one who’s up for showing your partner what proper topping looks like.
TRANS AND PREGGERS
Q: Trans man and cis female, happily married, planning to get pregnant in the next five months. How do we break it to my wife’s family? Half of them don’t know I’m trans and will be carrying, and we don’t want to lie, but also we don’t want them to see us as anything other than just a couple.
A: Telling your partner’s family you’re trans isn’t going to decouple you. You’ll still be “just a couple,” it’s just that one of you is trans. Since you’re not going to be able to hide which one of you is pregnant—not in the Twitter/Instagram/Facebook era—the sooner you tell them, the sooner they’ll have their freak-outs, and the sooner they’ll return to seeing you as the couple you always were and still are.
Q: My partner/husband of 40 years says I still embarrass him. Is this unusual?
A: If he says it affectionately and occasionally, it’s not a problem and it’s not unusual. If he says it to degrade/humiliate/control you, it’s a problem and it’s unacceptable.
LET’S TALK ABOUT RACE, BABY
Q: How do white people talk to black people about Donald Trump?
A: Fifty-eight percent of white people voted for Trump, and 8 percent of black people voted for Trump. So yeah, maybe instead of talking to black people about Trump, white people should shut up and listen to black people instead?
Q: Where is it written on your hall pass—or anyone else’s—that it can be used only with complete strangers? Nowhere, that’s where.
A: “Hall passes” don’t work for many women because they can’t orgasm when having random sex once with a random guy. What alternative would you recommend?
Q: How do you propose a foursome with your longtime friends without freaking them out or ruining the friendship?
A: Not proposing the foursome is the only way to avoid potentially freaking your friends out and ruining the friendship.
Q: How do you decide who wins an argument in a same-sex relationship?
A: A sudden-death round of Golden Girls trivia.
MORE BUTT STUFF
Q: All straight guys want to put it in your butt, but when you suggest eating it first, they run for the hills. How can I bridge this gap and get my ass eaten?
A: Date gay guys.
LESBIAN BED DEATH
Q: How do I avoid lesbian bed death?
A: Date gay guys.
Q: I’m in a FMF poly triad, and I’m looking to incorporate another guy into the mix. I’d look online, but I’m a public-school teacher in a small town. How do I find someone without outing myself and risking my career?
A: Ask your partners to do the headhunting.
Q: If you’re married and in an open relationship, do you need to include that info in your Tinder profile? Or can you wait until later?
A: You should include/disclose that info in your profile (best practice), but many similarly situated men choose to wait until later (understandable practice, considering the stigma). But the existence of a spouse must be disclosed sometime between the end of the first text exchange and the start of the first blowjob.
Q: My wife goes on long runs with her girlfriend. I’m sure they are having sex in the woods. I’m jealous because I’m not getting enough. What should I do?
A: Get your own “running” partner.
Q: I’m four months pregnant. My husband won’t stop talking about how excited he is to taste my breast milk. I said he could try it from a bottle, but he wants it from the source. I want to be GGG, but this weirds me out.
A: Tell your husband you’re going to table this topic for the time being. It’s possible you’ll be less weirded out by the idea once you’re actually breast-feeding, or the opposite is also a possibility. But pestering you about it for the next five months isn’t going to increase his chances of getting it from the source—quite the opposite. (And for the record: You can be GGG and still have hard limits/absolutely nots.)
Q: I’m a 25-year-old gay man who doesn’t resonate with hookup culture. If I’m not comfortable fucking right away, how can I compete/find a partner?
A: I get your question all the time—which means you’re not alone. Be up front about what you are willing to do (fuck after a getting-to-know-you date or two) and what you are not willing to do (fuck after a “sup?” or two), and you’ll scare off the wrong-for-you boys and attract the right-for-you boys.
Q: I’m too broken. I don’t know where to start.
GRATEFUL IN UTAH
Q: Not a question, but a thank-you for helping me to undo my “Utah damage.” Grateful for you, Dan! Merry Xmas!
A: You’re welcome, former Utahan, a belated Merry Xmess to you, and a happy/watchful/politically-engaged/join-the-resistance New Year to all!
On the Lovecast, Dan Savage and the brilliant Randy Rainbow: savagelovecast.com.
@fakedansavage on Twitter