How much do you know about queer sex? Google “gay sex myths” and you’ll find all the basics for people who have never met a real live queer before: queers don’t have sex with animals, not all gay men have anal sex, we’re not pedos, etc. You, as a discerning reader of this fine newspaper, surely know more than the average Dick or Jane about the goings-on in queer bedrooms (or kitchens, public parks, stairwells) but do you know everything? I have been surprised by some of the crazy things I’ve recently heard about queer sex—even from queers! So without any further ado, may I present “Advanced queer sex myths for people who know something about it: lesbian edition.”
I am sure that there is a 20-yearold athletic baby-dyke reading this somewhere who scissors with her equally flexible girlfriend three times a week and is offended that I’m not validating her experience, but I’ve got to say that scissoring isn’t a real thing. For those not in the know: scissoring was invented by South Park writers and features two women opening their legs and mashing their labia together. This is not your garden variety humping but a porn fantasy gone wrong. To illustrate: make a “v” with the index and middle fingers on both hands. Now mash your finger webbing together. Imagine your fingers are legs. Does that look remotely comfortable? I didn’t think so.
Myth: Only butches wear strap-ons
I, uh, did a lot of research for this question. I wanted to be thorough so I did some reading, some watching and some hands-on experimentation. You know, for science. I can safely conclude that there is nothing hotter than a butch in a harness, except for a femme in one. In fact, pretty much anyone who puts on a harness is guaranteed to increase their hotness by at least 25 percent. These days, harnesses come in a wide variety of colours and designs so you’re sure to find one you like.
Myth: We don’t have sex with trans folk
Sadly, lesbian communities are not immune from our own share of rampant transphobia. On the plus side, I’m sure the overlap between “lesbians who won’t sleep with trans people” and “assholes” is pretty close to 100 percent.
Myth: Butches don’t like to be penetrated
If you’ve read Stone Butch Blues you are probably familiar with the stone butch stereotype: aggressively masculine, only tops, doesn’t like any personal genital contact. Not every stone butch is the same and not every butch is a stone butch. Hell, not every lesbian who dresses in flannel is a butch, either. You don’t even have to be butch to be stone! Essentially, remember the lessons from your first-year Women’s Studies class: gender identity, gender presentation and how you like to fuck are not necessarily related.
Myth: Lesbians can’t get STIs
An ex once told me that lesbians were God’s chosen children because, strictly speaking, we have the safest sex. While I can’t argue with her conclusion, “safest” sex does not equal “safe” sex. Sure, in most cases you have to try pretty effin’ hard to get your girlfriend pregnant and while theoretically possible, HIV infection between two women having sex is so rare as to be practically non-existent, there are a whole host of other yummy infections, pustules and warts that we can pass on. So wrap that shit up, ladies, and don’t forget to wash your dildos before you share them.
Myth: Lesbian bed death
The jury is out on this one, folks. LBD is supposed to be a result of women’s lower-sex-drive and desire for cuddling over three-hour sex marathons. According to the theory, long-term couples will stop having sex in lieu of eating or watching TV or something equally banal. Does it happen? I’m sure it does, but I’m also pretty sure it happens to non-lesbians, too. LBD just seems like gender essentialism with a dash of strategic lying: we don’t want to make people jealous with how often we’re getting it on.
Myth: Queers only ever think about sex
I’m still stuck on butches in strap-ons … sorry, what was the question?
Myth: We’re better at it
Sorry straight people: statistically speaking, queers are probably better at sex than you. Unlike you, our sex doesn’t come with a handy illustrated guide (“insert tab A into slot B”) and the resulting expectations. Before we knock boots, we have to talk it out a little: what do you like, where can I touch you, who comes first, where are the batteries and so on. In other words, we have to communicate and communication a better lover makes. Don’t get me wrong, I am sure there are individual straight people with mad sex skills, but as a whole, queers win the sex wars.