Three games this week in Oil country and they didn’t lose them all! The returning RNH and a couple wins have the boys in a spirited mood for the inaugural Boxie Awards (well, Brent is at least), and we all can’t wait to see who the tops on this year’s fake awards!
Craig takes on the brunt of the recaps, then hands off to Brent for his (dumb) idea to talk about this season’s “accomplishments.” Boxie time!
Rangers 3 Oilers 2
Craig Douglas: Ahem, schedule makers? Putting this game on extra late does nothing to make up for the ridiculous schedule full of afternoon games and one game road trips that you saddled the Oil, and more importantly us fans and viewers, with this year. Not to make excuses for the dismal performance of the team—the blame here lies entirely on the shoulders of the people who cash Katz’s paychecks. I’m just complaining as an observer and I suppose I’m also complaining on behalf of people who like rationality and not doing a shitty job at a given task. The schedule for the Oil was an embarrassment this year, and it’s not over yet. If you can scarcely believe that I’m once again complaining about the stupid schedule and the dummies who made it, keep in mind that after all of the incessant crabbing on the subject I’ve been doing for the past several months, there are still two fucking afternoon games to get through, as well as a one-game road trip to Calgary which then returns back home for one game and then it’s off to Florida. Again, I’m only faulting the schedule makers for making a shitty schedule, and it has been capital ‘S’ Shitty. Also, they played the Rangers super late on this Saturday and they lost the game, but at least RNH returned.
Don’t worry, it’ll all be over soon, dudes.
Oilers 4 Coyotes 3 (OT)
CD: It was only a few weeks ago that I was speaking about how if you see that your team is 2/3 of the way through a game and winning it, you should never bother tuning in because they’re either going to close it out and win, or (especially in the case of the Oil) you’ll be likely to watch an epic collapse and be left wondering why the fuck you bothered at all. I broke my own rules this night and was just in time to watch them piss away another lead in spectacular fashion. Fucking idiots, every damn time. The Oil were up 3-1 and the third period was underway, but there was lots of time for drip… drip… drip… they began pissing away their damned lead. First they let Arizona make it 3-2 with about nine minutes remaining, and then you just know what’s coming – I’m wondering if there has been a game this year (there must have) where the Oil held a two goal lead, then they allowed one goal, and then they didn’t allow the other team to keep going and tie the fucking game back up – in this case you know what is coming, a few more minutes elapse and then some joker named Hjalmarsson who hasn’t scored in 70(!) games gets one and ties it up and the Oilers have fucked themselves again and let the shittiest team in the league claw back and send it to OT. Uh, at least fucking useless anchor Lucic didn’t make it to thirty games without a goal.
Allowing the first goal (usually on the first shot of the game) and pissing away fucking leads in the third period (just in recent memory: Arizona, Boston, Nashville, Colorado, Anaheim, and I think LA). I’m serious, they have pissed away leads in the third period of games against all of those teams since the start of February. Never mind that the Oilers won a bunch of those games in OT or SO, they had leads of two goals in all of those games and ended up playing more than sixty minutes in many of them, and straight up losing some of them.
Don’t worry, it’ll all be over soon, dudes.
Oilers 2 Islanders 1 (SO)
CD: According to people I spoke with on Thursday afternoon, I was supposed to be interested in watching this game because it was the return of Eberle (and Davidson). I watched it anyways, I don’t give a fuck about the return of anyone unless it’s the big guy, the one, and only Jesus Christ. The action consisted of no one scoring any goals forever and Jujhar Khaira destroying the face, mind, body, and soul of annoying dipstick Cal Clutterbuck. Then McDavid took over and won the game as he so often does. Brent is here today to preside over the inaugural Boxie Awards as a way of shitting on this shit season. The only award I’ll be handing out is the first annual ‘FOR SHAME’ award and it goes to Milan Lucic.
GP 67 G 10 A 22 P 32 PIM 63 TOI 16:28
Six million fucking dollars. FOR SHAME!!!
At least beat some a few opponents senseless to try and pretend you’re earning some of your massive, endless, instantly regrettable, insanely untradeable contract.
Don’t worry, it’ll all be over soon, dudes. But not that fucking Lucic contract, that won’t be over for a loooooooonnnnggg damn time.
THE BOXIE AWARDS 2017/2018
Brent Oliver: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the 1st annual Boxie Awards! This stupid idea was hatched by yours truly to try and make sense and celebrate the futility of this season’s epically long, and bad, Edmonton Oilers’ season. It’s time for our first award of the year, coming to the stage – joined by Jim Playfair, with the award’s namesake is:
The Rick Chartraw Award for most frustrating Oilers’ Defenceman
The winner is: Matt Benning
Name me the amount of time you’ve asked yourself this season if Matt Benning would make another NHL roster, much less be a top 4 D man on an offensively minded hockey team. Benning has made mountains of mistakes after molehills of plays with giveaways, bad passes and shotty D. Yes, having a 6th round 23-year-old filling in for Sekera half the year was dumb, but he sure didn’t do himself any favours.
Next up is the award for goal differential
The Eddie Mio GD (god damn) GD (goal differential) award
Winner is: Cam Talbot & Peter Chiarelli (tie)
When you allow the first goal of the game for more than half of your games, and the NHL stat of the past 5 years is that the team scoring first wins 68% of the time – you end up with the Oilers’ record. The recipients of this award have to be shared between Talbot, who allowed 11 first shot goals this year, and Chiarelli who didn’t address the need for a strong backup goalie until a month back when picking up Montoya. Doubly bad for Chiarelli is a wounded and young D core without a veteran presence was doomed to not support any goalie in between the pipes, so if this was a kid in a divorce – Chiarelli would be allowed to keep the Mio award weekdays before it visited Talbot on the weekends.
Next is the most positive Boxie of the year, the Jason Arnott award for best player on a terrible team
And the Boxie goes to: Connor McDavid.
Poor Connor. Best player in the world, separated from Leon Draisaitl for most of the season, forced to try and make Milan Lucic look like something other than a huge festering shameful excuse for a player, and trying to score points while worrying about playing a two-way game. The only hope is that McDavid uses this Boxie to rally the organization to put some supporting cast around him instead of rallying for a trade.
To be serious, we end with an award that I dedicate to my late father. The Kent Oliver Award for Worst Oiler of the year is named after him because my Dad always found one Oiler to single out every year to hate and rag on incessantly. I think he secretly loved heaping all his frustration on one player. Past winners include Sam Gagner, Steve Staios and Boris Mironov.
And while it was spoiled earlier by Craig, this year the award goes to Milan Lucic.
Holy mackerel, where do we begin? The contract? The 29 game scoreless drought? The fact that over a calendar month he was tied in points with his teammate – CAM TALBOT? Lucic has been a lost bumbling oaf on the ice all season with stone hands, and an even worse hockey sense. As a “veteran” on this team, all signs pointed to a guy who was supposed to push a young floundering group to greatness. He displayed that characteristic a bit late last season and into the playoffs, but this year – we haven’t heard a peep out of a Lucic. Veterans like Milan are supposed to be leaders on and off the ice, and Lucic’s refusal to even take responsibility for the team’s foibles this year adds up to a huge problem on this team. Call a players-only meeting for fucks sakes? Anything! One of your top 5 players (in salary) is playing like a replacement level talent. I know I’m being harsh to a guy we’re stuck with for 3 more years, but I can just hear my Dad’s voice in my head, raising his hands to the sky saying “We’re stuck with him?! Gah!”
Thus concludes this year’s Boxies, and we’ll see you all next time!
Craig takes over next week as Brent takes a much-needed vacation (from the Oilers) with games against Minnesota (sorry Craig), Calgary and the Sharks. Will Brent return well rested and ready to offer some genuine perspective on the end of the year and a hopeful next season?
(where’s that laughing coming from?)
We’ll see you next week, In The Box