The Oilers rattle off two victories this week – something they’ve only done one other time this whole month as everyone collectively looks for something to care about with their beloved team. Can Craig and Brent muster up the energy to do the same, or is the pain of watching this team just too much week after week with spring training and olympic curling filling the empty holes in their hearts?
Arizona 1 Oilers 0
Brent Oliver: Eleven. Eleven times the Edmonton Oilers have given up the first shot for a goal this year. Doubling infuriating? It was the winning goal, two minutes in, against possibly the worst team in the league, in the middle of the afternoon, against the saddest franchise in sports.
It’s getting really hard to give any shits about a team that gives no shits about themselves.
Craig Douglas: No, I didn’t watch a game at 1:00 pm on a Saturday against the Sad Coyotes. As, fucking, if.
I did however walk by the occasional television set and Couldn’t help but notice that the Oil were down suspiciously early again. Almost as if they had let in the first shot of the game once again. They did, and in doing so they lost 1-0 against the fucking chumpiest team in the whole ridiculous league. It wasn’t until the game was over that we got the good stuff: Cam Talbot telling this pathetic third rate league where it’s at. Here is his glorious quote repeated in all of its glorious glory: “There’s no consistency and I’m fucking sick of it. It’s fucking ridiculous. You can quote me, they can fine me, I don’t give a fuck anymore.”
Fucking stupid league.
Oilers 4 Avalanche 2
CD: “And upon this day of rest that I have given thee, Ye shall watch no hockey before the exalted hour of 5:00 pm when thine matches were meant to start. Ye shall resteth and savor no wine until the night sky cometh.” – God ::Corinthians 123::
I don’t watch fucking afternoon games, it’s right there in the bible. It’s one of the primary tenants of my religion.
I do, however, predict shit. Let’s see what’s coming up for the Oil…
Oh fuck me, another California road trip. Well, it can’t be any worse than the last one.
Feb. 24 @ LA
As a wise man once said: “Hollywood days turn into Hollywood nights.”
Kings 4 Oilers 0
Feb. 25 @ ANH
Anaheim Mighty Ducks eat shit and die.
Oilers 3 Disney Babies 1
Feb. 26 @ SJS
I don’t know, who even cares anymore?
Sharks 17 Oilers 3
BO: It was Sunday afternoon. I had a nap which I thought would be infinitely better than watching the Edmonton Oilers.
Bruins 3 Oilers 2
CD: Upon conclusion of the Maple Leafs game I peeked at the score, it was 2-0 for the Oil and the second intermission was fast approaching. I almost started watching instinctually until I remembered a lesson I learned from watching baseball over the years: If during a game you haven’t been watching the team you’re backing is winning with one third or less of the game remaining, the odds say you shouldn’t bother tuning in. You’ll either see them hang on for victory (pleasant but dull) or you’ll see them fuck it all up (excruciating) and the odds that you’ll actually see something worth your time are minuscule, so save that time and savor some wine or whatever. Sure enough, the Oil chose option excruciating while I savored some wine and checked my phone on occasion, just to make sure that they were pulling an Oil and fucking it all up. I’m learning a thing or two as I get older.
Anyways, the trade deadline is coming up on Monday. With Chiarelli in charge I’m choosing to call it the ‘Fraid deadline because no knew knows what this crazy motherfucker might do. I’m just thankful that RNH is injured and therefore highly unlikely to be dealt. Invariably a lot of changes are likely to be made, most of them will be of the small, relatively inconsequential variety, but with this team, and this front office, and this ownership – who fucking knows?
The makeup of this team could look drastically different by this time next week so be sure to tune back in as Brent and Craig break down ‘Fraid deadline 2018.
BO: 2-0. They were up 2 to fucking nothing with 15 minutes left. What a fucking calamity… not even a goddamn loser point for these losers. Even worse was Rogers Place being filled with original six homers pretending they don’t give a shit about the hometown team, but will gladly dust off their Bobby Orr and Phil Esposito jerseys to put on one night a year as the “true blue B’s fans they are”. Give me a fucking break. When this Oilers team gets their shit together (which seems impossible by this season’s standards), you’ll all be out forking over thousands to cheer on the greatest player of his generation and yelling Go Oilers fucking Go.
You’re all made of straw.
Oilers 3 Avalanche 2 (OT)
CD: Before the ‘Fraid deadline frays us all, how about a little dose of positivity? The Oilers beat the Avalanche and scored some rather nice goals while doing so. Sure, sure this game featured a classic collapse gaffe just like the Boston game. If this team was any good at all, the whole giving up a point to a divisional rival that you’re fighting for a playoff spot business would reflect very poorly. However, playoff spots and things like that are not a concern during this shitty season, so let’s all just chill for once and enjoy the fact the The Leon King had himself a hell of a game during which he made the Avs players really look like the goofs that they are. It was a nice little win, and since those are so bafflingly rare these days, let’s all just enjoy it for what it was while we sit back and watch the 2017-18 season fucking burn down all around us.
BO: Luckily, I missed the entire 2-0 to 2-2 collapse that is becoming so expected by the Oilers, and only caught a highly entertaining end of the 3rd and overtime where it seems the Avs ‘Forgot About Drai’. A beautiful spin move to roll off an Avs player, then break in to set up McDavid was a thing of beauty, and one of those rare glimpses from the chemistry of last season, and the hope for the future.
Speaking of future, as we approach the ‘Fraid Deadline for next week’s column, we’ll also look towards March where we’ll need to write about something that is a bit more hilarious and journalistic than the piece of shit season and recapping losses. Thus, I present to you for one of our last columns this season – The Boxies awards! We’ll break down the best, but more aptly, the WORST of this Oilers season as a happy respite from writing about this dismally placed team. Place your bets now! Who will take home the Boxie for worst defenceman, worst contract, or the Inaugural Kent Oliver (my late father who hated one Oiler every year) Memorial Award for Most Hater Oiler of the Year? Stay tuned.
The Oilers continue the drudge down the drain with another California road trip before back next Thursday against the powerhouse Preds from Smashville. Can Craig and Brent find a way to make through the last 6 weeks of the season without going half mental with profanity and self hatred? Are there going to be any positives, or would they just rather see the season wind down with a thud for a decent draft pick? God knows the team’s had a lot of luck with draft picks.
We’ll see you next week, In The Box