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Gift guide time again

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If you are a regular reader, you might recall that December is one of my favourite months of the year because I can spend my days reading holiday gift guides. I still have yet to figure out the allure of these guides; they are usually a catalogue of things that I cannot afford, don’t really want and are questionably gender segregated. (My favourite this year is pink-camouflage lingerie with optional matching rifle; surely it’s just too campy for straight folks, right?!)

In an effort to justify my rampant consumption of these guides as research and to provide good value to you, gentle reader, it is time to turn once again to a new tradition around these parts: may I present the 2013 Queermonton Holiday Gift Guide for People Who Are Broke and Not Crafty.

Booze: Don’t know what kind of liquor your host/distant relative/co-worker likes? No problem! Gather some small bottles of booze (your budget is the limit here) and wrap them in a tea-towel. It’s environmentally friendly and practical!

Craft kit: This one is for the young people in your life, especially if you don’t know them so well. Wander down to your local dollar store and fill a box with a wide variety of craft supplies: markers, pom-poms, pipe cleaners, paint, etc. Try not to feel too bad when your eight-year-old nephew starts to craft circles around you.

Photo album: The advent of digital cameras means you probably have hundreds of digital photos in a folder somewhere or plastered all over Facebook. Luckily for you, photo-printing is very inexpensive at drugstores. Instead of giving them photos of your cat/kid/you, print off your favourite photos featuring your giftee. Toss them in a small photo album and you’re good to go.

Scented sugar: This list wouldn’t be the same without a trip to Bulk Barn. Buy some white sugar and some spices (vanilla beans, cinnamon or dried lavender are good options). Mix sugar and spice until it tastes good and then stick it in a jar.

Dates for a year: For the special someone(s) in your life, plan a date night once a month for the next year. Write your date on a card (a trip to the AGA on their free night, a candlelit bubble bath, a midsummer picnic, a night dancing at Buddy’s, etc) and stick them in a box.

Homemade cookbook: Do you have a bunch of family recipes or good ones saved from the Internet? Write or print them out in a small notebook. If you’re artistic, draw accompanying pictures (or just glue cut-outs from magazines).

Cake-in-a-cup: This is medium-level crafty. In a small bag, combine 5 Tbsp flour, 4.5 Tbsp sugar, 2 tsp cocoa, ¼ tsp baking soda and a pinch of salt. In a very small jar, combine ½ tsp white vinegar, ¼ tsp vanilla extract and 2 tsp vegetable oil. Put the bag and jar in a coffee mug you grabbed from the dollar store with the recipe: combine all ingredients in the mug. Add 4.5 Tbsp water. Mix well. Microwave for 1.5 – 2 minutes—don’t overcook! Eat. (I make no guarantees regarding deliciousness.)

DIY kink set: Dog collar, leash and wooden spoon from the dollar store + condoms and mini bottles of lube from the drugstore = happy holidays, indeed!

And remember, if all else fails, fill up a vase of candy from Bulk Barn or offer to make them dinner. Happy holidays Queermonton! (See last year’s Queermonton Gift Guide at vueweekly.com).

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