Tar sands an ET plot

Suffering from eco-anxiety? Don’t fret, blame the aliens

| Commenting on this story is closed.

We’re all screwed. For the sake of a booming economy, we Albertans have raped our own environment. And now the guilt reeks like a spilled jerrycan. The least Stelmach can offer us is some eco-anxiety therapy or a support group to help us live with ourselves.

But wait! The editors of The Canadian have uncovered a secret so dangerous, so mysterious, so wonderfully absolving that we may never have to spit at our own reflections again.

According to an article published some months ago on their website—“Gnostic insights illuminate Alberta Tar Sands prosperity as an apparent Manipulative Extraterrestrial Virtual Reality illusion” [sic]—blaming ourselves, the Tories or even Syncrude will get us nowhere. The real enemies are aliens.

The secret, “documented in great detail by the ancient Gnostics, as revealed by Dr John Lash” then regurgitated by journalist Peter Tremblay, claims the Alberta tar sands and its consequential environmental damage is just one of many elements in a virtual reality set up by an alien race determined to witness our self-destruction.

“The artificial alien intelligence identified by the Gnostics has used the basic principles associated with the motivational virtual reality features of a video game, and projected that into a Three-Dimensional context on top of our planet Earth,” writes Tremblay. “The Stephen Harper government ... is a further layer of a virtual reality fantasy.”

In another article for The Canadian, Tremblay suggests that the same cunning aliens are to blame for homelessness.

As Steven Novella, president of the New England Skeptical Society, pointed out in his Skeptics’ Guide To The Universe podcast, the article is “unfalsifiable”: “Any evidence that contradicts this [can be interpreted as] a virtual reality evidence planted by the aliens.”

Another critic, Armando Duke of AXcess News, dismisses the virtual reality claims, but doesn’t doubt aliens are visiting our province. He suggests the aliens are hovering over Alberta’s toxic wastelands because it reminds them of the lunar surface, and the nostalgia experienced in our airspace accounts for the rise in local UFO sightings

Ironically, Tremblay’s article works against the very environmental and humanitarian causes he advocates. By absolving humans of fault, they are no longer accountable for the destruction of their planet. It becomes an issue that is out of their hands, so why try changing it? We apparently live in a video game like the slapped-around-hookers of Grand Theft Auto. We (Stelmach and Syncrude included) are on autopilot.

Neither Tremblay nor Dr Lash would answer my questions, perhaps thinking I too am just another element seeded by the master aliens. And maybe I am. Maybe I am and I don’t know it, or I know it and I’m not telling. Maybe the entire purpose of this article was to ridicule the very truth driving your demise. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for my four o’clock anal probing. V

Tar sands an ET plot

Suffering from eco-anxiety? Don’t fret, blame the aliens

Most recent comments