Feb. 27, 2013 - Issue #906: Tegan and Sara - Pop goes their world
Shoot the puck
In the Box
A busy week for your beloved Oilers as they headed out on the SHOOT THE PUCK road with four games in six nights where they needed to get off on the right SHOOT THE PUCK foot. Unfortunately, the Oilers lost their back three and SHOOT THE PUCK should have faired better against SHOOT THE PUCK some of these teams. Let's SHOOT THE PUCK recap.
Oilers 5 vs Stars 1, February 28
Brent Oliver: Holy fucking shit, we beat Dallas at home. Not only did we beat them, we beat the living fuck out of them—going up 5-0 by the beginning of the third and only barely missing a shutout for Dubnyk (and my fantasy hockey team). The team fired on all cylinders and it made me think we were actually going to see a team this week that found their balls and actually knew how to SHOOT THE PUCK. They kept their foot on the throat of the Stars, even late in the third when fans in attendance started to look like grey arena chairs. This is the Oilers team we were promised.
Craig Douglas: This was a busy week for the Oil and a busy week for Ol' Craig. I eventually watched this game well after it had concluded. Like days later. Everything went the Oilers' way this evening, including a shitload of power plays. Two point nights for Petry, Eberle, and Petrell as well as three for Ales Hemsky. Even Ben Eager got in on that shit. Troublingly, they only scored once on the power play (Hemsky in the third) although Dallas amassed 36 penalty minutes. Dubnyk was back in net, thanks to Khabibulin's wonky groin, and he looked great making 33 saves and coming within five minutes of a shutout. Then the fucking road trip had to continue.
Oilers 2 vs Blues 4, March 1
BO: A close game, 24 hours after another game in another city. Not bad, right? Well, except for the fact that:
A) Dubnyk looked extremely fucking tired and by the third period he let in a couple
B) The Oilers mustered 17 shots total in this game
Maybe I'll let this one slide. The Blues can be a very good or very bad team—depending on who shows up on a night-to-night basis. Tonight? They were very good. Too bad they were the Dr Jekyll to the Oilers' pitiful Mr Hyde. Maybe they'll SHOOT THE PUCK in Minnie on Sunday.
CD: I din't watch this game and I never will. From what I can understand, the Blues of St Louis had been suc-king lately and (of course) the Oilers helped them put a stop to all that suc-king. The Oil were up 2-0 after the first-fucking period, thanks to Ryan Sitney's first goal of the year as well as Taylor Hall's fourth. Then some shit happened, then we lost, then Whitney told the media that the team was made of pussies who don't want it. He may have a point.
Oilers 2 vs Wild 4, March 3
BO: ... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ... Huh? Whoa? The Wild game is on? OK, let me just grab another Sunday beer and really focus on the dynamic play of ... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ... snort, snort… wait! Fuck! I'm a writer, goddamn it. I need to show some passion. Some pride in what I do, especially when people depend on me for their entertainment and their time spent reading and another thing … zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ... SHOOT THE PUCK.
The Wild are the worst. The WORST. They're the New York Yankees of the NHL. The Yankees intimidate other teams by their history, their fans, their legions of douchey dudes wearing their caps—and all that comes into play when someone sees those pinstripes. It's subconscious. The Wild, and their stupid wolfy-forest logo thing remind every team of the Jacques Lemaire uber-trap teams that got them into the playoffs with dozens of shitty players playing a tight system. It's boring, it's frustrating and it has other teams subconsciously thinking, "Fuck. The Wild. This is gonna be boring as fuck." The Oilers fell victim, so much so that they failed to register a fucking shot in the second.
CD: The possibility existed for this to be a wild game instead of a game against the Wild. Instead it was what it always is, a boring bunch of shit that results in an Oilers loss. There was a time when I was happy for the state of Minnesota to be getting a team because they obviously deserved one. Then they got this team and I fucking yawned for 12 years. Congratulations on having once had Marion Gaborik on your team, you fucking bore me and I wish you'd piss off. But I should save some of my vitriol for the home team and their fucking 21-43 shots on goal margin for this game. Ugh. Eberle shooting from behind the net was their best scoring chance of the dismal second period and fuck this, I mostly watched the Bruins and Canadiens game on Sunday and it was great and I'd rather write about that than another bullshit loss to stupid Minnesota.
Oilers 3 vs Blue Jackets 4 SO, March 5
BO: What's more infuriating than a loss to the Wild? A loss to the worst team in the league, that's who! This should have been a cake walk. Oilers score three quick ones, chase the goalie, bring in the backup that they beat last time and easy win, right? Well, my friends, there were no tits and champagne to be had on this night in Ohio ( ... everyone old enough to make Theo Fleury jokes are allowed to make one quietly to yourselves).
The Oilers did not SHOOT THE PUCK. This, to me, was the most infuriating loss of the season. You are supposed to win these fucking games. WIN THEM. Last place team that you've beaten six times in a row, with a roster that I would give $50 to anyone on the street if they could name three players, and the Oilers LOSE. And lose after being up and chasing a goalie.
Tough for me to award a Shithead of the Weak at this point, because basically, I'm pissed at the Oilers, the coaches, hell, even the fucking equipment manager for not telling this team to SHOOT, THE, PUCK. Four shots in the second period? Now, That is Weak.
CD: This game fucking stunk. I watched this one in its stupid entirety and boy, was I sorry. On a positive note, the Oilers picked up Mike Brown in a trade with the Maple Leafs before this one and Mike Brown is cool. On some negative notes, we fucking somehow lost to this joke of a team. This one is frustrating for all the reasons Brent stated. Being outshot 38-29 by a team made of shit, letting a lead slip away after the opponent has switched goalies, oh, and losing in a shootout to a team made of shit. I don't like our chances as we begin the more difficult second half of this never ending road trip.
The trip from hell continues as they throw curling stones back in SHOOT THE PUCK Edmonton with four games against the Wings, Preds, Hawks & AvaSHOOTTHEPUCKlanche. Maybe the Oilers will bond in Detroit and come out flying.
We can only hope.
Hope they, SHOOT THE PUCK.
See you next week, In the Box
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