Feb. 24, 2010 - Issue #749: Basia Bulat

Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief

Greek myth isn't too family-friendly. Those Gods up above could be a wild bunch, full of jealousies and nasty feuds, while their visits here tended to involve rape or murder, when demigods and humans weren't fighting blood-lustily in their honour. But it's not so much the strange sanitizing of Greek myth that makes Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief fizzle out as its plod-by-numbers trek through fantasy-adventure formula.

The opener of Rick Riordan's series has Percy (Logan Lerman) discovering Dad is water-god Poseidon even as the teen's being accused of stealing Zeus' lightning-bolt. (Only an American re-myth would make Percy's disabilities—ADHD and dyslexia—not differences but latent super-gifts, signs of his restlessness to fight and being born to read Ancient Greek, not English.) After scorning a Fury's wrath and butting heads with a Minotaur, Percy's off to the Underworld to save Mom from Hades' clutches, though he must find three pearls en route (presumably because epics are always brought to you by the number three). He's accompanied by Grover (I respectfully refrain from another Sesame Street joke here) and Annabeth (Alexandra Daddario), a daughter of Athena.

After directing the first two Harry Potters, Chris Columbus helms another attempted launch of a teen-aimed franchise, but this show-boat seems to be rowing through the motions. Realization-of-special-powers, training camp/school with other kids like him, find-this-object while baddie-battling, CGI dark skies out of a muddled Mordor? Seen-that, been-there fantasy-epic stuff.

The Lightning Thief seems to have pilfered subtle speech, too, because demigod dialogue is more wooden and hollow than the Trojan Horse ("one day you'll understand"; "they're selfish—they only care about themselves"). Euphemistically, Gods "hook up" with mortals. At worst, Persephone's imprisonment with Hades seems like being housebound with a washed-up rock star (when he's not turning into a Super-Demon™, fresh from Acme Hell-Creatures Co.).

This entertainment kills two words ("smart" and "inoffensive") with one stone-dumb move by making Grover (Brandon T. Jackson) not only a black guy who says "a'ight" and "whaddup?" but also a satyr, his goat horny-ness leading him to nymphs, honeys and any other mythical female creature that exists to fulfill his stereotype.

Inspired, at least, is one pearl hiding-place, a spot on the Vegas strip where everyone's stupefied not just by lotus flowers but capitalist bling and gambling. Perhaps the criticism hits a little close to home for this hopeful cash-cow because, by scene's end, a hippie stuck there fore 40 years makes the Lotus Casino seem like a bad hangover to be blamed on the '60s. Bummer. Even more of a downer—no river Styx or three-headed Cerberus in the Underworld, which has the same cinder-black sky as Olympus.

And that's the ultimate disappointment of this effort at crossing classical myth with teen adventure—there's no emotional or moral darkness here, just the most superficial gestures at making Percy & Co.'s struggles with abandonment, loss and maturity seem heartfelt. God-like effects are easy these days, but human feelings can't be green-screened.

Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief
Directed by Chris Columbus
Written by Craig Titley, Rick Riordan
Starring Logan Lerman, Brandon T. Jackson, Alexandra Daddario

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