A few of the million moments in which to contemplate your own demise while watching the smug self-indulgence and cheap, overelaborated non-comedy of vanity project A Million Ways to Die in the West:
#783. Somewhere between the first time it’s made abundantly clear that a virgin (Giovanni Ribisi) loves a prostitute (Sarah Silverman) who—get the irony yet?—screws lots of guys in different ways for money, and when they finally decide to have sex before marriage (he describes her vagina as a “firecracker wrapped in roast beef”). You wonder about visiting the concession stand to demand one extra-large popcorn kernel on which to slowly choke to death.
#3011-5618. When Albert (Seth MacFarlane) and Anna (Charlize Theron) laugh together or she tells him what a catch he is or they gaze on the town at dusk or they share a pot cookie or they kiss or she tells him he’s so much better than the girl (Amanda Seyfried) who dumped him or, in that feisty feminist way gals have, says, “I’m a bit cocky but I’ve got great tits.” You consider placing the popcorn bag over your head—the liquid topping will keep it stuck to your scalp—and hyperventilating your disgust and sadness so fast that you’ll either asphyxiate or slip into delicious oblivion from huffing fake-butter fumes.
#18 469. The instant you see a shooting gallery called “Runaway Slave,” complete with smiling Negroes and watermelons. A pop-up from Jamie Foxx at the end, to shoot the gallery manager, is a pathetic, star-fucking effort to ret-con the racist cliché.
#44 318. When Theron puts a flower in the butt-cheeks of Liam Neeson after his character’s just slapped Anna and talked about raping her.
#99 862. The scene where a sheep penis appears and pisses on Albert. At first, you’re happy to see MacFarlane, creator of this evacuation-of-comedy’s-bowels, finally dumped on himself, after you’ve been subjected to so many fart and crap and now piss jokes. Then you muse on how it might feel to rip the plastic cup holder off the chair arm, place it over your mouth with a wad of napkins on top, tip your head back, and slowly self-waterboard with your extra-large cola. Would you drown, OD on a caffeine high or slip sweetly into a sugar coma?