Apr. 02, 2008 - Issue #650: Privatization
Five things Vegetarians do That Piss Everyone off, from a fellow vegetarian
Complaining about a lack of vegetarian options on a menu
Yes, it would be wonderful to live in a world where every restaurant had the option of substituting (well-done) tofu, but them’s the breaks. Absolutely no one is going to enjoy a meal after somebody spends the whole menu-perusal time bitching about what they can’t eat, and unless you’re actually willing to storm out of a restaurant, complaining isn’t going to do anything anyway. Just do the considerate thing: ask them to take the chicken out of their penne, and make a mental note to never come back.
Complaining about paying the same as meat-eaters
Splitting the bill is one thing—hey, everyone should pay their fair share, no more, no less—but vegetarians who insist on paying less in general just because they’re not eating meat need to give their heads a shake. (This happens an awful lot at Indian buffets, which is especially annoying considering Indian food is one of the most vegetarian-friendly cuisines there is.) We’re the ones who’ve decided to cut meat out of our diet: anyone willing to charge us less should be regarded as a saint, but by no means should this be an expectation. If paying the extra $2.99 for chicken you’re not getting on your caesar bothers you that much, stay home: the world does not revolve around your lifestyle choices.
Making non-vegetarians feel guilty about eating meat
It’s fantastic that you’ve decided to make what is no doubt a high-minded, moral choice about your eating habits that makes the world a better place, environmentally, ethically and spiritually. There’s something to be said for quiet dignity, though: give the unwashed, carnivorous masses time to come around. Besides, being a prick never won anyone to your side: save the overt moral superiority for those wild, incredible, vegetarian-catered moral-superiority orgies we’re always having.
Eating heavily processed faux-meats
Most of the stuff you can pick up at the supermarket (including, especially, non-organic tofu) is about as bad as eating meat in every way except for the fact that they don’t have to kill animals to get it. It also perpetuates the stereotype that we’re all a bunch of secretly repressed carnivores trying to bury our insatiable urges with a stew of delusion and carrots. There are plenty of other ways to get your protein, including milk, eggs, organic tofu and a wide variety of beans. If you want faux-meat, there are a variety of terrific wheat gluten recipes on the internet, and if you’re not much of a cook, Padmanadi is open, and the Truc Lam Monastery puts together a fabulous spread of take-home options every Sunday.
All that said, exceptions to this fact can be made for the Tofurky, because no one is an island, especially on Thanksgiving.
Being useless in the kitchen
Some leeway can be granted to new vegetarians here, but the rest of you better know how to cook at least one fairly delicious vegetarian meal. Partly it’s to help destroy the popular conception of vegetarians as people who spend a lot of meals crying into salads, but mostly it’s because this is a lifestyle based on eating, and therefore should encourage some kind of knowledge about food. People who participated in Earth Hour bought candles, because even though they wanted to save energy, no one likes sitting in the dark: the least you can do is get a cookbook. V
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