Week of July 4, 2007, Issue #611
COVER
THE BESTEST OF EDMONTON
VUE STAFF
It was the bestest of times, it was the worsest of times. While compiling our fifth annual compilation of what makes our humble City of
Champions the bestest place to be, our writers gushed about the natural beauty of the river valley, raged against the vagaries of our
economic boom, lauded our local festivals and cultural institutions and, of course, bitched about the Oilers.
This isn’t about cheerleading for local businesses or cataloguing Edmonton’s “funkiness” or anything like that. Consider this our cadre
of freelance contributors’ giant love note to an old friend. Yeah, sometimes he parties a little hard, and all this money he just came into is
kind of going to his head, but we love the big lunk as much as we always did, because, well, he’s the bestest. Turn the page to find out why…
Illustratons by James Grasdal
Contributors: Bryan Birtles (BB), Brian Gibson (BG), Ella Jameson (EJ), Joel Kelly (JK), Sherry Dawn Knettle (SK), Alex Koyne (AK), Tanis McLeod (TM), Eden Munro (EM), Carolyn Nikodym (CN), Mary Christa O’Keefe (MCO), Joel Semchuk (JS), Murray Sinclair (MS), Darren Zenko (DZ)
Bestest thing to happen to Jasper Avenue
Nope, I’m not talking about Oil City Road House (which quite frankly scares me). And I am not even talking about the long-awaited revitalization of deadened buildings. I am talking about Make it Not Suck, the guerrilla art project that has graced—however briefly—the construction barricades at 104th Street and 108th Street. Seeing these works—challenging our definition of art space—made me proud to be from Edmonton. (CN)
Bestest latté art
Edmonton needs all the help it can get in the war against shitty coffee currently being waged on its streets—if I hear one more person walk into a java joint and order a “moolatté with cool whip,” I’m going to stick my hand in a burr grinder. Luckily, a smattering of independent cafés have risen up in response, and caffeine-snobs like me can get their fix—if they’re willing to look for it. My current favourite is the Three Bananas Café, located right on Churchill Square. If you order one of their lattés or cappuccinos, you’ll instead receive a thing of beauty, constructed out of foam and milk and espresso. Plus, they use fair-trade coffee that is actually delicious (sadly, still a rarity here). (JK)
Bestest Public Art
Part of Make it Not Suck on Jasper Ave and 108th is a mural of Howie Mandel and our Mayor Steven Mandel in their boxer shorts amorously screaming “Deal! Deal! Deal!” I may not know art, but I know what I like. (BB)
Bestest place in town for a cheap, drug- and alcohol-free attack on the senses
On a stifling summer night, go down to the legislature grounds and gaze into any of the light-polluting sodium lamps. Stare down that sucker until you’re pretty sure you’ve exhausted the receptors in your retinas—sorta like snow blindness—and bingo! Jump into the wading pool and splash around as needed. The cool of the water shocking you in the heat, mixed with your washed-out vision makes for some interesting sensory cross-talk. Spin around a bit and goof-up your inner ear too! (AK)
Bestest comic shop
The shelves at Happy Harbor at Manning Crossing bear pretty much the nerd-store standard stock of comics, manga geek-books and vinyl tchotchkes, but Happy Harbor competes on atmosphere. I was in there killing time while I waited for my ride after a wisdom-tooth extraction, and the staff were all “Have a seat!”, directing me to a couple of comfy chairs, encouraging me to sit and read. A refreshing reversal of the police-state customer-is-the-enemy approach of some other shops. (DZ)
Bestest place to go window-shopping for houses
North of 102nd Avenue around 128th Street are some of the oldest, grandest and most spectacular houses in Edmonton. Even the new houses going up manage to retain some of the splendor and architectural inspiration of Edmonton’s heyday. The trees are huge, and it’s not surprising to come across the odd three-car garage around here, along with vaulted roofs, mansion-style spreads and intricate brickwork in every way a house can be big. Sure, it might make your 600-square foot condo seem inadequate, but it’s a great place to go walking. (JS)
Bestest place to strut your sluttiest self
If you need to lie down to zip up your skinniest skinny jeans with a coat hanger and like to count the change in your sweetie’s pocket with just a quick glance, then put on your tightest/shortest shirt and get yourself down to Capital Ex. Like Klondike Days before it, the Ex is a place where skanky hormones just ooze out of bared midriffs and muscle shirts. (CN)
Bestest business sign
There’s a sign to the northeast of Fort Saskatchewan at the junction of Highway 15 Highway 29 that reads “Inspirational Taxidermy Services.” If they’re stuffing monks there, I’ve got to get myself one for the rec room. I’m a little worried about going out there, though, because it’s down a road marked “No Exit” and that’s never a good sign when taxidermists are involved. (EM)
Bestest way to tell your partner you got a photo radar speeding ticket
Circle this and leave it out for your sweetie to see. (SK)
Bestest view of downtown from the southside
The Duggan Bridge, on Saskatchewan Drive near 107th Street, offers a postcard look at Edmonton’s core, framed by the Legislature to the west, Telus Field to the east, treetops below swarming into the river valley, and that sprawling Alberta sky above. (BG)
Bestest place in town to read like you’re at the beach
Until I win the 6/49 megamillions and build a beach and wave pool right in town, I’ll settle for any bench on 100th Avenue overlooking Victoria Park Road. And with the right set of ears, the combination of cars whizzing by and the overgrown grass along the hill rustling in the wind sounds very much like waves crashing along a vast shoreline. Complete the illusion by bringing a battery-powered misting fan to simulate sea spray, maybe an iPod loaded up with sea bird calls and an Ian Rankin potboiler for a fun read. (AK)
Bestest Place to Test your Sense of Balance
For five bucks the staff at the Argyll Velodrome will put you on a track bike and send you spinning round the track at lightning speed. Essentially a big oval cement pad set at a thirty-three degree slope, it takes skill to maneuver on its seven-meter wide track. Balance, endurance and nerves are all tested as you realize these two wheels come with only one gear and no brakes. (EJ)
Bestest view of Saskatchewan
I’ve always said that Edmonton is probably the only large city where you can see downtown from the west end—this part of Alberta’s geography is that flat. In fact, there’s a spot on the northeast side of the city where you’ve got a practically unrestricted view of Saskatchewan.
Overlooking 50th Street just north of 144th Avenue is an open field. Whenever I am there, I find my gaze drifting off to the distant horizon. Past the refineries. Past Sherwood Park. Past that giant egg. I can practically count the spots on cows grazing in the fields of that other flat, flat province. Forget the view of towering mountain peaks to the west. I prefer looking east. (TM)
Bestest Example of Edmonton Bureaucracy
Getting rid of all of the city’s bike racks in the middle of Bike Month. I hope they don’t arrest the drug dealers just before Folk Fest. (BB)
Bestest cemetery
As one of Edmonton’s only true natural hills (as opposed to mere slopes), of course Mount Pleasant would be used as a burial ground. “Cemetery Hill” makes for a nice stroll, reading the lives and currents of the city and its people in some of our oldest grave-makers. Scavenger hunt: can you find the monument to a rockin’ guy, etched with a fittingly rockin’ Gibson Flying V guitar? (BG)
Bestest (other) park
Let’s face it—Hawrelak park is the Britney Spears of Edmonton’s suntan set. Between the swaths of summer sporting and the procession of pimpmobiles, it’s no place to get away and, say, fill in a farmer’s tan. And you can’t even go into the water.
Not far away (by car or bike or even long summer walk standards) is Paul Kane Park, just north of Jasper Avenue on 122nd Street. Small, but secluded and quiet, Paul Kane has enough space to tan or casually throw a Frisbee, a wading pool you can cool off in and even a playground for the kids. It’s a perfect summer hang-out alternative. (JS)
Bestest pavement
A few years ago the City re-did the sidewalks between 72nd and 75th Avenues and 91st to 95th Street in a creamy surface with a curve at the curb. This means smooth sailing for all you inline skaters out there; you could jump from the street to the sidewalk over a soft patch of grass and the trees are nice to blade under in any season just as the houses are old-school and well-kept. There’s the river valley right there too, with a bike and blading path that runs past Mill Creek. And for those of you wanting a challenge, the completely unrepaired 99th Street isn’t far off. (JS)
Bestest school fields
They call it “Mount Pleasant Park,” between 105 and 106 at 60A Avenue, but I say teeny-weeny Mount Pleasant School has any kid’s (especially a hopeful young Beckham-bender) dream for school fields. Three soccer fields and plenty more grass around it, splashed out in rolling greenery on all sides, stretching for blocks… it’s as if a city planner finally said, “Hey, there’s lots of grass around—let’s leave it and tuck the brick and concrete into a little school off on the corner.” (BG)
Bestest thing about this summer
Not having all of my money spent on beer, t-shirts, car flags, other intoxicants, pizza, outrageously priced tickets and other things that went along with last year’s Stanley Cup run and left me penniless by early June. Look, I love hockey as much as the next guy, but I just couldn’t have survived not eating for two summers in a row. And the lack of high fiving has left my skin baby soft. (BB)
Bestest video arcade
None. There aren’t any in this town anymore, and theatre lobbies don’t count. Depressing. (DZ)
Bestest car wash poster
A vintage carwash ad trumpeting “the best handjob in town” found hanging at a modern wash in the city recalls the time when the term simply meant washing vehicles by hand. Those not familiar with the more modern meaning can type the term in an Internet search engine. Putting in “hand job carwash” gives you a mix of porn and other pics, compiled on post-your-photo websites, of carwash commercial signs that were, uh, erected in another era. On another site, the photographed poster is seen put on dirty-joke T-shirts for sale, modeled by blondes and brunettes wearing little else. (MS)
Bestest mystery mural
Wondering what a faded, oversized mural is doing on an old apartment, on 107th Avenue 110th Street, is only the first question. Why is a mountain scene depicted if the apartment is called the “Plainsman?” Did the man’s carried weaponry discourage anyone from making any jokes about his purse? Building manager Barb Workman believes the Plainsman was once an old motel, with the mural related to the business name. An employee with the apartment’s managing company, who didn’t want to be named, did not know anything about the building’s age or origins, or why the mural was put up. She agreed with Workman that the mural serves as a giant identifier, especially for people looking for the building. “People have said that it’s unique, and that it’s not often that you see that,” she said. (MS)
Bestest quick walking tour of Edmonton (north of the river) for somebody who loves to walk fast
This is quick, but bear in mind that my young out-of-town guest and I share the family genes for walking fast. We parked at the bus depot one sunny summer morning around 10:30 and were back in time for him to take the 12:30 Greyhound to Jasper. Start with a walk through City Hall. Go through Churchill Square—if you’re lucky, there will be a lively event such as the Street Performers’ Festival or the Works or the Jazz Festival. Head to Canada Place (do they still call it that?) and across to the Convention Centre (what’s it called now?). Take the escalator down to the lower level, all the while admiring the beautiful view of the river valley. Walk east about a half kilometre to the footbridge that leads to Muttart Conservatory (I think that’s what it’s still called). You can take a quick look into all four pavilions, but why bother? Head back to the bus depot and apologize profusely for not taking him to see Wayne Gretzky’s statue at (oh, isn’t it called Rexall Place which… I know this one… used to be called the Coliseum, right?). (SK)
Bestest stretch
of single-track cycling
I know that some folks will disagree because there is plenty of it in the River Valley, but just east of Riverdale and west of Epcor’s Rossdale Water Treatment Plant, there’s this hair-raising stretch of single-track that clings to the side of a hill. And when it’s all grown in, all you can do is pedal and hope for the best. (CN)
Bestest way to explain to out of town guests why you don’t know the names of all the places you take them to see in Edmonton
Tell them you live in the burbs so you don’t know all the details about why Northlands Coliseum is now Rexall Place but used to be called something else as well. The Convention Centre now has another name (but I don’t know what it is), and there are four different names for what was once called Highway 2, and Galaxyland was once called Fantasyland but Disneyland didn’t like that so West Ed Mall had to change the name or they’d be sued. There’s no good way of explaining the reasons for every name change, but if you can rattle off at least a few of the names or reasons, your guests will get the idea. (SK)
Bestest tourist trap
Man, forget WEM. Let your out-of-town vistors deal with that hellhole on their own, if they must. When the weather’s good—or even if it’s a bit shitty—Fort Edmonton Park, one of the world’s greatest “living museums,” is the most impressive attraction in town. Make sure you get a schedule of the many daily events, so you don’t miss something cool (or some free food). (DZ)
Bestest Seasonal Use of Students’ Tuition Money
The University of Alberta has added more water gardens to the campus this year, slipping some much-needed oases of nature (and midday lunch spots) amid all the parking lots, ’60s concrete buildings and construction on campus. (BG)
Bestest daytrip
Fear not, city driver—your Honda Civic can handle the gravel roads. On Highway 62 south of Drayton Valley, turn south on Range Road 81 and follow it to the end down the hill. Then a small walk puts you in the most accessible piece of Crown land east of Jasper. It’s an old gravel pit, but it’s along a stretch of the North Saskatchewan River and behind that the ground’s sandy enough to pitch a tent. There’s an ATV path that follows the river, perfect for hiking as well. There’s no better place to bask in the wonderful lull of unspoiled land, far away from everything. (JS)
Bestest drive around metro Edmonton
The best local drive is more an atmospheric and anticipatory jaunt to lake country—namely Wabamun. The 15- to 20-minute, high-speed, radical torque escapade via Escalade is the perfect cure for what ails you. Granted, the drive is nothing special, but that feeling of escape from your shit job and nagging commitments is so powerful it makes you forget that you’re but a frantic cell phone call away from some snafu down at the office. And of course this closeness works to your advantage coming home; instead of four hours towing a speedboat, you have the same 20-minute burn back into town. (AK)
Bestest dissociating vista
There are many places to see the contrast of Edmonton’s natural beauty, idyllic river valley and tight-knit community feel with the industrial ugliness and belching smokestacks of Refinery Row. Watch from the Highlands, Beverley and Rundle Heights neighbourhoods, and imagine how blue-collar Edmonton viewed the big behemoth across the river in the 1950s. Sit in the publicly funded Rundle and Capilano parks, and ponder how petro-dollar tax revenue from the industrial park right next door improves Alberta’s quality of life. Hang out in the Abbotsfield Mall parking lot at night and observe the chemical Christmas trees glow in the distance. Gaze towards Edmonton’s city skyline behind the refineries from Sherwood Park, and you’ll feel like you’re in a suburban mock-coziness scene right out of Simpsons (with the petro complex replacing the nuclear power plant). But the best contrasts can be seen where the old industrial complex rubs right up against neighbourhoods like Gold Bar and Ottewell, where the smokestacks can be seen sticking out on a park’s horizon. (MS)
Bestest invasive species not found in Edmonton
Ever see any black squirrels around Edmonton? No? That’s because you’re not supposed to. It’s an Eastern Canadian species—there are loads of them out there, but none here. Well, except in Calgary, where a few of them have escaped from the zoo and started pushing the smaller red squirrels out of their natural habitat—running them out of town Old West-style, essentially. That’s not too far away from the beginnings of Planet of the Apes—the orangutans started picking on the chimps and then all hell broke lose. I’ll just say that I’m sure happy that it’s happening in Calgary. We’ll see how those Flames do next year when they’ve got black squirrels clawing at their eyeballs. (EM)
Bestest hike in Edmonton
Until we start developing our landfills to the point where we can enjoy world class downhill skiing and uphill hiking/climbing, we’ll have to settle for our environs. This “bestest” requires a little absent-mindedness on your part, initially, but when you finally get it, you have a work-out as good as any touristy trek in Jasper or Banff. Basically, you have to get fed up with the slow elevator service in, say, the Allstream tower downtown. You decide to take the stairs, forgetting that every door, on every floor, is locked in an effort to curb hooliganism, rape and smoking in the stairwells. Bingo! You have your hike to the twentieth floor and back. (AK)
Bestest place to see local bands
Despite enjoying a bumper crop of awesome bands in recent years, Edmonton’s music scene has suffered of late due to a lack of venues for upcoming bands to strut their stuff. Calgary, on the other hand, has oodles of awesome venues and an audience receptive to Edmonton’s many talents. And, if you do make a roadtrip down south to catch your favourite band, you can also enjoy the Calgary zoo while you’re down there! Who doesn’t love their hippopotamus exhibit? Isn’t it time we put petty rivalries aside? (JK)
Bestest acoustics
This a trick category, because you think it’s got to be a local venue with many watts of power and baffles and insulation in the walls and such, but you’d be wrong and you’d come off sounding like a nerd and/or self-flagellator trying to refute it. Another clear answer might seem to be the river valley, with its lush, verdant channels, but you’d be wrong there too. But the best acoustics in town are actually downtown in the avenues between 99th and Jasper Avenues and the streets between 116th and 110th Streets. These corridors lend themselves to reverberation with very little feedback. I suggest a low-key concert with Diana Krall or maybe Amon Tobin for all the lucky condo-denizens in that neck of the woods. (AK)
Bestest Place to Contemplate the Cost of War
Corporal Ainsworth Dyer was killed by “friendly fire” in April 2002 in Afghanistan along with comrades Sergeant Marc Léger, Private Richard Green and Private Nathan Lloyd Smith. Eight other Canadian soldiers with the PPCLI were injured in the incident. The Ainsworth Dyer Memorial Bridge crosses the North Saskatchewan River connecting Goldbar Park to Rundle Park, and serves as a reminder to those lives lost in war-torn Afghanistan. The scene of his wedding proposal to fiancée Jocelyn Van Sloten, the bridge was renamed in his honor in 2003 and remains a place for reflection. (EJ)
Bestest road
The stretch of 76th Avenue between 86th and 95th streets will be open again in a couple of weeks, but right now this stretch, closed for construction of a retaining wall, makes for a peaceful, eerie stroll as it swoops into the trees to cross Mill Creek. Pretend it’s after the Gasoline Crash, and the traffic barricades are post-apocalyptic militia checkpoints! (DZ)
Bestest Investment Opportunity
Start printing those “Lord Give me Another Oil Boom… I Promise I Won’t Piss it Away this Time” bumper stickers and sit back and wait. (BB)
Bestest pavement in Edmonton and what you really shouldn’t do with it
Being a flat, unprepossessing spot on the map, we have to make our fun. Why not combine new stretches of road with the fun and X Games cred of road luge? This is actually a crazy variant of something my crew used to enjoy in the winter months. Basically, you tow a street luge behind a pony car from the Highway 2 turn-off to the Terwilliger drive turn-off. The road is smooth, wide and designed for speed. Why not film the damn thing for the ESPN 2? It’s as good as Finnish reindeer mushing. We should embrace our glut of macadam, eh? (AK)
Bestest misplaced business neighbours
Walk into one business, and you’ll see children’s bibles and a 100 Huntley Club book series. Walk into the store next door, and you’ll see titles like Suck It Dry 2 and MILF Meat. Such has been the contrast in the nearly three years since the Blessings Christian Marketplace moved in beside an Adult Superstore outlet in a 50th Street strip mall, near the Yellowhead Trail. Porn shop manager James Janis says all of his customers are surprised and make some kind of comment about the stores being side by side. “Everyone seems to think there’s some kind of war going on, but they leave us alone, and we leave them alone,” he said of his religious co-strip-mall tenant. “It’s quite peaceful. Actually, it’s quite boring.” His store has been there for more than 15 years, while a bar and a golf shop have occupied the place next door in the past. Janis said some customers admit to going into both the porn and Christian stores, while a Marketplace employee specified that some come into her store to conceal what they’ve rented or bought next door before going back outdoors. The worker, who didn’t want to be identified, has also heard surprise comments about the unlikely neighbours, and has seen people taking pictures in the parking lot out front. While there’s no inter-store holy or cultural war, she also hears wishes from her customers that those getting porn could “change their life around” and get Jesus instead. “They say ‘we hope to get some of them on the right side,’” the worker said. (MS)
Bestest Place to Meet Hot Single Dog Lovers
Beg, borrow or steal (okay, don’t steal) a friend’s best friend and head down to Jackie Parker off-leash area any night of the week. As your canine companion leads you from hot guy to hot guy, you can subtly check out their obedience training. Remember: you can tell a lot about a man by the size of his dog. (EJ)
Bestest thing to do at a bar
Did you know bars are offering Guitar Hero II nights now? And to think that when I got so drunk that I passed out while I was playing it, my girlfriend called it “sad.” (BB)
Bestest old-school lounge
Ah, Teddy’s. With its wood paneling, bookselves, stained glass and overstuffed upholstery, all of it in a state of genteel decay, this Jasper Avenue landmark is a throwback to a bygone age of steak-pub decoration, an atmosphere somehow enhanced by the glare of the banks of VLTs. Ripe for a renaissance. (DZ)
Bestest alternative to people watching
This is sort of like people watching, but instead of intentionally directing the focus of your gaze, you direct the focus of your hearing. This is particularly useful in that you may hear words like “bouncy” or “bulge,” which lends credence to your own thoughts about the people you watch. You may have to sacrifice an afternoon, but it’s worth the wait—and it may surprise you to learn of this auditory perch: the gutspillingest place to listen in on a conversation is the cafeteria at the law courts, where you can hear all about how who stabbed whom, along with who the said stabber thinks is a little hottie. (AK)
Bestest place for cougar watching
Caught in a rift of the space-time continuum, Saturday nights at the Gallery Bar at the Mayfield Inn attract a dancing crowd of what could only be described as mature people of like-minded appetites. A frenzy of 1980s-inspired spa-tanners gyrates to the likes of Kung Fu Fighting and Funkytown. Comb-over burdened men with Herb Tarlek’s fashion sense skulk outside the women’s restroom. Women circulate about, their leopard-skinned heels wobbling tentatively. Sagging breasts are supported with wire and tape, backcombed hair is blown out of normal proportion and cherry red lipstick stains pouting mouths. This off-sale meat market is a blast from the not-so-distant past. (EJ)
Bestest proof a suburban home is a man’s castle
It’s not every day that you see turrets, canons and a knight with sword and steel-plated armour in the suburbs, but that’s what can be found topping a house in the Lendrum Place neighbourhood. The out-standing castle was built by dentist Ken Wallace, who bought the home and took over the existing basement dental business in the 1960s. The underground office meant that when his two daughters were born, he feared they had no place to play, so he built the castle as a playroom on top of the garage over the summer of 1980. Wallace collected the stain glass, furniture, and medieval artifacts at antique shows, and did the woodwork. The inside features a fireplace to heat the castle, a spiral staircase to a balcony overlooking the giant main room, and an observation glass pyramid on the ceiling. Wallace ended his practice 15 years ago, putting some old dental equipment out on the lawn as another standout ornament. When he moved to Arizona, he turned over the castle keys to his daughter Trish Clayton, whose children play in the big playhouse today. She said a number of people drive by to see the unique structure, including a few tour buses. (MS)
Bestest place for a graffiti conversation
Graffiti is very much like television: it’s a one-way medium. But we’re living in a new fandangled world with new fancy pants ideas like responding to some jerk off’s graffiti manifesto, written on the wall of a coffee house’s water closet with our full-house wit and artful penmanship. Curiously enough it’s a tie for the sexes between two different establishments. The men enjoy waxing idiotic-politico in the Sugarbowl’s lavatory, whereas the women enjoy slagging and tagging in the stalls of the Purple Onion. This is a curious sociological phenomenon worth checking out—I’m looking at you, grad students. (AK)
Bestest New Douchebag Hotspot
Jasper Avenue between 108th and 107th. You can’t walk to New City anymore without some bro confronting you with the paradoxical question, “You looking at my girlfriend, faggot?” (BB)
Bestest ‘Listen bird’ in Edmonton
The Listen Bird is a hot topic of discussion for nerds, prudes and aesthetes in area bookshops, and why not? This bird is ever-present. We might as well award some kind of prize for the best looking one. My vote goes to a little one etched into an elm tree, about sixteen feet up on one of the sturdier boughs. The artist carves what looks like a cubist death-eagle from hell perched on a Dali-esque droopy clock; the speech bubble cackles “the end is nigh, ada.” Is it a commentary on decaying affluence? Is it the absurd threat of a jilted lover? There are so many confounding interpretations that it giddies the mind. I’m not going to say where it is, though, because the journey is half the fun. (AK)
Bestest Place for Mega-Guerrilla Art
The Shaw Conference Centre is asking for a big fat drawing to be planted on its sloping windows like a giant surprise kiss—a collaboration between storefront-painter James Grasdal and the Listen graffiti guy, maybe? I’m thinking a huge stencil of bandleader Artie Shaw, or maybe the bearded mug of George Bernard. And while all those mini-murals on Old Strathcona’s public utility boxes are nice, why not splash a mural on the side of the biggest utility box—the Epcor plant by the river. (BG)
Bestest organic market
Bulk potion ingredients, lower prices, a good restaurant, and at least 30 per cent less smugness make Roots Organic Market our choice over other, more suburbanish organic stores. (DZ)
Bestest timewarp
The Ukrainian Cultural Heritage Village east of town is a pride-fuelled re-creation that drops you squarely into the bygone heart of Ukrainian settlement in western Canada. The best part is when you sometimes catch the kerchiefed, in-character interpreters gossiping about their contemporary social lives without breaking pioneer kayfabe: “Anna, you havink veesitor tonight?” “Oh, yes! Werry spayshel veesitor. He peek me up, take me to dance!” (DZ)
Bestest monument
Alberta is big (har har) on “World’s Largest” whatevers – eggs, baseball bats, lamps, ducks. But tucked away in the cooler of the Charles Smart on 82 Avenue, just east of Mill Creek, is an often-overlooked marvel: the mighty, man-sized King of Donair. Stop by sometime and gaze through the little window at the world’s largest log of spiced ground meat! (DZ)
Bestest place in town to watch a meteor shower
The Perseids meteor shower is a comin’ just like it does every august when you can tilt your head skyward and gawk at the majesty of the universe. The trouble is the city’s lights—since we’re not close enough to North Korea, where city lights are turned out to save money, we have to settle for a short drive out to Lewis Estates. Within two minutes of the western fringe of this suburb, you’re in farm country. On a clear night, lie on your car’s hood, grab a pop and maybe play a little Brian Eno on your car stereo. Magic. (AK)
Bestest Festival
to Clog Your Arteries
The Fringe Festival is so full of gut-busting food stands that lots of people don’t even know there are plays to gorge on. From the little sugar-sprinkled bags of Mini Donuts to the deep-fried chocolate bars on sticks, there’s more than enough delicious lard to sate even the junkiest eater over nine days. (BG)
Bestest place to go camping in a jiffy
Besides finding a hidden corner of the River Valley, a quick drive due east out of the city nestles you in the heart of buffalo country at Elk Island National Park. Sometimes all you need to save yourself from internal combustion is a night out in the trees around a campfire assembling sticky s’mores. (CN)
Bestest get-up-and-go trip around Edmonton
The giant sausage that the Town of Mundare, uh, erected, looks like a classic kubasa seen from the monument’s front and back, but viewed sideways from the gas station across the street it looks like… well, use your imagination. You are also left wondering why the bottom of the big Ukrainian sausage has a heart on. The Mundare kubasa is part of a monument series, reflecting northeast Alberta’s heritage, that includes a giant pyrogy in Glendon, a huge pysanka (Ukrainian egg) in Vegreville, a big duck in Andrew, and some giant, ripe, round pumpkins in Smoky Lake. (MS)
Bestest excuse for being late for everything
Devon? Where’s that? People think it’s at the other end of the world, so when you tell them you had to drive for hours to get to the city and meet them, and that there was a traffic jam on the Whitemud, and that you had to stop and get cash because there are no banks in Devon, everybody forgives you with a sympathetic condescending smile, as they wonder why you’d bother living here. The truth is it’s a only a 20 minute drive, depending on who you talk to—some say that’s at 140 clicks, others claim 160 to make it in that time. But at legal speeds, it’s really only 35 minutes to wherever the action is in the city, 40 if you stop at a bank (yes, there are banks in Devon) and if there are no traffic jams on the Whitemud. (SK)
Bestest place to talk to Jesus about your sex life
Where’s Borat when you need him? The wacky Kazakhstani pseudo-reporter would be right in his element entering this Edmonton house of worship and asking “Can Mr Jesus help me make the sexy time?” The same billboard logo in front of the Stony Plain Road church is pasted on the side of its bus, suggesting a wider use of the slogan, but the ministry didn’t return calls. However, based on recent advertising in a city daily, at least one other church in Edmonton is using intrigue about sex to bring in the flocks. (MS)
Bestest Place to Corner Preach
All the big cities have those slightly kooky, overly articulate, impassioned street speakers by the curb, pronouncing to the passersby. Think of London’s Hyde Park Corner, with someone raving on about the end-times or their morning revelation. The Anglo-phoney Winston Churchill Square is the perfect place for Edmonton’s first corner preacher—there’s even that lookout spot, right above the Epcor Waterfall, that’s a perfect sermon-on-the-mount for Alberta’s mini-Moses. Suggested first topic: Why the %$#@ is there an “Epcor Waterfall”? Now, go forth and rant! (BG)
Bestest place to see what your freaky friends are up to when they run off giggling with a video camera
They might be running off to make dirty videos, but they also might be making short films for MetroTV. A cross between a TV-production meeting and a reality show, this interactive showcase of local filmmaking talent is the bestest way to spend one Saturday night a month. (CN)
BESTEST ARCHITECTURAL EFFECT
The array of highly reflective skyscrapers in the downtown core—some in cerulean, others in copper or a mute monolithic black—provide a light-celebrating kaleidoscope on days that aren’t too overcast, making them a slight danger for those who delight enough in their celestial-reaching beauty to take their eyes off the obstacle course of people and vehicles and dog poop that exists perpetually in the heart of the city. But these have nothing on the twinkling ovoid glass “domes” drenching Commerce place with light. Descending from the second floor to the main doors opening onto Jasper makes the charm of this architectural feature especially potent. As you travel downwards in the right light, usually sunset, the light-limned glass stretched over a skeletal solid frame looks like a magical zeppelin descending onto a grandiose granite landing pad, sort of sci-fi and fantastic at the same time. The fairy lights dancing around the space also add to an unearthly, epic ambiance, and one can easily forget he or she is but a miserable temp or lawyer on a lunch break and play at anything from spaceport spy to Cleopatra. (MCO)
Bestest place in town for a good old fashion rumble
Whether you’re a Crip or a Jet or a Cobra, you’ll need an ideal place to lay the smack on the other team’s backside. Edmonton, for all its sprawl, has an endless supply of rumble sites for some nice pipe-on-chain action, and all you need to do is follow the signs that the rumblecruscians left us: anywhere you see a stenciled vertical line through a circle is the perfect arena for combat. I’ve seen the symbols in Rundle Park, a playground in Belgravia and outside an abandoned curling club in Beaumont. (AK)
Bestest Place
To Get Carpet-Burn
in a Non-Sex-Related Activity
Any of the three Edmonton indoor soccer centres (West End, East End, South Side) in winter time. Pick your astro-turfed rink, slip on the shorts, then get ready to be tripped, slide tackle (risk a two-minute minor or worse) or stumble yourself into blood- and pus-oozing, splotchy red, skin-burning pain. You may not remember any goals you score, but your body will be left with lasting impressions of the thin layer of faded green abrasive carpet that’s been laid on top of concrete. (BG)
Bestest waste of gas
You jump in the car, drive the gas-guzzling, carbon-dioxide-emitting machine for 15 minutes in some choked-up traffic, park it on a side street, clogging up the neighbourhood, then go… running and walking? All you Running Room people—why are you commuting to run? Slip on your shoes and run around your neighbourhood. Need other runners? Run to meet each other, or take a bike—duathlon training! If you need the clothes at the store, why not mail-order them—then you can pick them up from your friendly daily exercising mail-carrier next time you’re jogging around the block. (BG)
Bestest Simpsons–like store
Since the Simpsons started its long television run, it’s a safe bet the employees of a convenience store on 107th Avenue and 110th Street, get asked “where’s Apu?” at least a few times per year. Unlike the infamous cartoon conception, the Edmonton Kwiki-Mart’s floors aren’t sticki-mart and hopefully the food hasn’t made anyone sicki-mart. For those amazingly not in the know, the corner store on Matt Groening’s popular cartoon is run by Indian immigrant Apu Nahasapeemapetilon and his brother Sanjay, and is the source and stage of many of the series’ gags, like all-syrup Squishies that bring on hallucinations. According to urbandictionary.com, the Kwik-E-Mart has become “a generic name for any convenience store, when you can't think of the name of a specific one.” The Internet also suggests that Kwicki Mart is a more common store term outside North America, while Simpsons fans in Eastern Ontario and Western Quebec can get amused by the Ottawa-based Quickie Convenience Stores. (MS)
Bestest Used Book Store
I buy a lot of old paperbacks and nobody matches Alhambra on 81st Avenue. Stacks and stacks of books that run the gamut from pulp novels to hard to find history texts make this store the city’s best place to find something you’re looking for that you can’t find anywhere else. The best part is the micro-sections for people like me with really niche-y tastes such as a Sherlock Holmes and a Beat poetry section. (BB)
Bestest mascot
“God bless all little boys with sling-shots!” Crystal Glass’s all-around scamp Chip is a throwback; nowadays, the accidental vandal would be prescribed some kind of brain-numbing medication and “diverted” into a “program”. Ah, what am I talking about? He probably wouldn’t have been outside in a non-structured activity in the first place, certainly not without a helmet. (DZ)
Bestest panhandlers
Walking down on Whyte Avenue one sunny Saturday spring afternoon, we heard a strange cry. A trio of young gents were asking all who passed by for money, but they wanted to make sure that donors got their luchre’s worth, so they hollered “Punch a punk for a buck, punch a punk!” True story. Of course, most people laughed while passing by, and it seemed that more passersby than normal offered up the buck, but no one took them up on the punching business. My own trio of Ave-gawkers pondered on the life-span of such a gig. Obviously this is not something you’d want to be doing when nighttime hits and those pub-crawl double-decker buses converge on the Avenue. Not only that, but if your donors all wanted what they paid for, then how much could you conceivably make in a night? In the end, we decided that these dudes earned their keep with their inventiveness and sense of humour. (CN)
Bestest place to see the legacy of our alien settlers
A lot of people wonder about the pyramids. Thousands, no millions, of hours have been spent contemplating how our ancestors in Egypt, Peru and Mexico built and aligned their pyramids. And how is that pyramids were built so similarly but so far apart? And what about those pyramid-like bumps on Mars? There are plenty of people out there who think that aliens settled the Earth, and, for them, this seemingly answers these questions. So it only makes sense that the Muttart Conservatory, home of many wonderful plants, is an alien nursery. With its glass walls, extra-terrestrial scientists can watch human interaction with nature, and there are plenty of samples for them to whisk away. (CN)
Bestest art experience
I know it’s not the most timely revelation, but with the Works festival just wrapping up, I would like to reminisce on how the Alberta Art Gallery’s “Free For All” exhibit in February was the best thing to happen to the art community since they installed that giant bat on 118th Avenue. Not only was the most popular exhibit in the gallery’s history, but it showed the hundreds and hundreds of hopeful artists who exhibited that they too could be part of a vibrant and engaging dialogue on Edmonton art—yes, even the fat, balding dude with the oil on canvas nude self-portrait (seriously). Here’s hoping they can make this in a regular show at the gallery. (JK)
Worstest art experience
Those ugly, rusted-out clumps of welded-together metal that dot various parts of the university campus. Ugh, they looks like robot diarrhea. (JK)
Bestest spot for electrical engineering trivia eggheads
One day last year, a man was spotted photographing the crossing sets of wires that power the LRT and number 5 trolley, where the LRT comes out of the ground at 95th Street. When asked why, he replied, “This is the only place in the world where LRT and trolley wires come together.” City LRT director Dave Geake said the most similar crossings are in Europe and in San Francisco where the streetcars and trolleys meet. But the different powering arrangements between Edmonton’s LRT and trolley mean their wires can’t ever touch each other. So when the builders designed the crossing in the 1970s, they had to distance and isolate the wire sets, with the help of insulators. “It took a little bit of engineering, but it was relatively easy,” said Geake, who described the related issues as being mechanical and electrical. The unique crossing is one area that LRT crews have to highlight during maintenance. “Mechanically, you have to make sure all the nuts and bolts are tight,” Geake said. But if a bad situation arises, he said the electrical substations have built-in protection, so half the city’s lights won’t go out, for instance. Electrical engineering trivia buffs will also be fascinated to learn that the city will have to install a similar crossing where the soon-to-be-built LRT line by 114th Street crosses the number 7 trolley route at 76th Avenue. But the crossig will have to be designed differently because it isn’t on an angle, like the 95th Street crossing. “It’s a bit more of an engineering challenge,” said Geake with a laugh. (MS)
BESTEST ACCIDENTAL CORPORATE ART
Perhaps left behind by a stray boatful of Minoans as their civilization collapsed in the hangover of the Bronze Age, the mosaic mural in the Standard Life Building (10405 Jasper Avenue) is magnificently over-the-top. Part of what makes it marvelous is the tension between its showiness (glittery tilework, the drama of its appreciable scale, plus an overhead spotlight bathing it in a warm luminescence) and its position, bashfully tucked away (not only is it on the second floor, it’s around the corner from the main elevator byway, peering out from behind a palm tree). Consequently, to behold the round gold-edged piece, with its primitively flat green snake in a floating slither over an apple-red, troublingly cubist caduceus, you have to step right up. Also strange is the treatment of the materials in relation to its subject matter—how many sparkly medical industry logos do you see? As the thin lettering curving on the bottom rim of the piece indicates, it is associated with the Baker Clinic. Trouble is, the Clinic—a no-nonsense glass-fronted office with wall-to-wall medical records stretching dauntingly behind the staff—is far enough away to seem slightly embarrassed by the mural, like the hipster who takes her hick cousin to a show and abandons her for just a little too much fanciness not to come off as a rube against the backdrop of urbanites artfully pretending they aren’t trying hard to look good. (MCO)
Bestest place to almost get in a traffic accident because you’re too busy checking out the sights on the sidewalk to drive properly
Whyte Avenue. Seriously, it’s out of control. Out of sexy control. (DZ)
Bestest stretch of the River Valley for the cross-country cyclist
Start from Riverdale and head west to the Goldbar Park Bridge. The riding’s not terribly technical, but it’s one of the longest stretches of uninterrupted off-road riding. That and it doesn’t seem to get as busy here as it does on other areas of the trail system. (CN)
Bestest classic suburban strip mall
The Pleasantview Professional Building was built in the 1960s, says a barber in the independent, vintage barber shop, and its rectangular architecture looks the part. Factor in the gull-wing dual streetlights outside, and you think you’re watching the Barenaked Ladies’ “Lovers in a Dangerous Time” video. One wonders if the giant wraparound pipes were installed at the time of construction as a normal fixture, and what exactly they are for. Inside, the bland wall paint and carpets leading to the myriad medical offices fit the building’s basic nature. (MS)
Bestest advice for buskers who like to play for crowds on their way to live music concerts at the Jube, Rexall Place or the Winspear
Buskers sound much better before the ESO plays live for Alberta Ballet. They can sound just fine as a warm-up act for Eric Clapton. But, hey, buskers, if you really have the nerve to think you’re a nice follow up act to Van Morrison or Alexandro Escovado or BB King, and if you actually believe that we can all still go home after the show and dream all night long about the music paid so much to hear, then go ahead, make my day. Otherwise, the advice is this: go home when the show starts and leave us in peace afterwards. Please. (SK)
Bestest plane-watching points
For those into the no-life adventure of plane-watching, Edmonton’s twin airports provide double the pleasure. The City Centre Airport even has an observation area off 121st Street, although the Via Rail station’s parking lot gets you closer to the runway’s edge. If you’re into a plane-spotting picnic, try the park between 111th Avenue and Kingsway, where you can watch the aircraft buzzing the nearby roadways and malls. While you can see the tarmacs from above over a beer at a nearby second-storey pub, the best overview of the City Centre (and city’s north end) is from the top-floor study lounge of NAIT’s Business Tower building. Especially from tall buildings, anywhere in the downtown core gives you ample spotting opportunities, with the government fleet flying Alberta’s premier and other cabinet ministers around being a constant sight. Edmonton’s International Airport has no official observation area, but some prime plane-watching can be found on a range road just off Highway 19 (to Devon) by a farmer’s field. Unlike in Calgary, security people have never bothered me (I even parked there on a 9/11 anniversary!). If you prefer concrete under your feet, you can get your Wayne’s World experience near another spur of the tarmac, from the parking lot of a certain fast-food joint epitomizing suburban life on Leduc’s north end. Spotting take-offs are cool (well, for some people), but the biggest roars seem to occur when the planes are coming down from the sky. (MS)
Bestest place in Edmonton area for al fresco sex
If you’re gonna do it, you might as well do it right, and the inevitable conclusion is a pleasure garden not unlike Eden. While beautiful florae are readily available at your local garden centre, you get too many nosey green thumbs in that environ. No, the answer is the Devonian Botanic Garden on good ol’ Highway 60. Oh yeah! (AK)
Bestest dirty weekend
Price competition keeps the price reasonable at the International Airport’s many hotels (Jacuzzi rooms with gas fireplace for under a hundred bucks!) and Leduc’s proximity means you’re psychologically out of town without wasting hours driving rather than fucking. (DZ)