All I want for Christmas is my two front lines

Brent’s back after a week off (thanks for covering for me Craig!) and he’s returned to the Oilers on a magnificent four-game losing streak! Wait … no … not magnificent. What’s another word that applies? Maybe a “fucking bullshit shit ball” of streak? Maybe something a bit stronger?

We’ll see, but we have to begin somewhere. Sigh.

What a lot of losing …

Dec 12

Bruins 4, Oilers 2

Craig Douglas: This game had a few standout moments including one of the worst goals against we’ll see all year (hopefully), and one of the best fights we’ll see all year. Everything else adhered tightly to the script that you’d expect for an Oilers/Bruins matchup.

If you’ll allow me to get fucking negative for a moment here—I hate the Bruins.

More than the Mighty Ducks? You bet.

More than the bloody Canucks? Yup, even more than them and their shit fanbase

I just fucking hate ’em. So, I don’t take it so well when a little fucking puke puddle like Brad Marchand scores a shorthanded goal against us, or when some Iginla idiot puts two pucks in our net, or when Dubnyk lets in the first goal of the game from maybe 60 feet away. I really should have trusted my instincts and not watched this and kept my blood pressure where it’s supposed to be.

It wasn’t all bad, though. A fist connected with the horrible face of Milan Lucic, and that always brings a smile to my amazing face (even when those fists belong to a drunk idiot from Vancouver, as we saw later in the week.) So I’d pretty much decided that this game had been worth watching early in the second period. Thank you for making it worth my while Luke Gazdic.

The continued excellent play of David Perron was also worth tuning in for, especially his second goal, which was as nice a one-handed wraparound goal as you’ll ever see. It was also cool to hear Jack Michaels doing the TV broadcast in lieu of Kevin Quinn. I’ve nothing against Quinn in particular; it was just nice for a change. And just to get in an extra couple of jabs: Boston announcer Jack Edwards is a complete idiot and an embarrassment to that profession and his voice sounds like an old station wagon fucked Roseanne and they had an annoying shit of a child who yells about hockey all the time.

Brent Oliver: I felt equally nervous about this game. Boston is one of the elite teams, and while I don’t hate them as much as Craig does (SEE ABOVE RANT WITH FULL PROFANITY FOR EMPHASIS), I do have to respect them. They’re well coached, well balanced, solid in net and use assets like defenceman and giant Zdeno Chara in front of the opposing net on power plays. See? Smart.

As usual, the Oilers were outcoached and out goaltended on this night by a better team. Not a surprise, but it sure was nice to see Lucic take a punch to the face. Call me uncivilized, but sometimes, I like a good fight when it involves a player I hate. Now if only Sean Avery were still in the league …

Dec 13

Canucks 4,  Oilers 0

CD: I didn’t watch this game, thank fuck. I haven’t seen any highlights either, but I’m told that it was our worst effort in a season full of poor performances. I did however see Zack Kassian mocking Sam Gagner and his face shield. The face shield that he is forced to wear because Kassian broke his fucking face in the preseason. So if someone could do a little something something about that, please, that would be great.

Beat the Canucks in a game for a change, or bust out the ol’ ultra violence on him, either way is fine with me.

BO: I watched this game for a few reasons: 1) I hate Vancouver and it sure would be nice to see them lose on a rare Hockey Night in Canada early Friday game. 2) I’m a sports writer (begin laughing now). And 3) As a few of you may know, my father passed away suddenly a few days before. I felt as a fitting tribute to him, and the amount of games we watched together, I would order Royal Pizza, drink a Guinness from a tin and complain about the Edmonton Oilers and their shitty play. Well, he’s nodding and/or shaking his head somewhere right now.

(Miss you Dad)

Gagner was terrible. Dubnyk WAS TERRIBLE. The entire defensive team ran around like chickens chasing the Canucks. Luongo wasn’t especially good, but after the Canucks scored first, it was classic shut down, boring ass hockey that Vancouver “fans” seem to “enjoy.” The less said about this game the better.

Dec 15

(The Mighty Ducks of) Anaheim 3, Oilers 2

CD: Another game that followed the script I had in my head. Keep it close against a superior opponent, but inevitably lose, and that is exactly what they delivered.

The kids—Eberle, Hall and RNH—were reunited as a line for this game and before the first period was half done they had combined for a goal. Much like an idiot, I went and got my hopes up just a little. Five minutes later it was a tie game and we all knew how the rest would play out. The Oil managed to hang on and trade goals for another 40 minutes, but then, following the script, “Chunkin'” Penner scored and the Oilers had a nice three-game losing streak on the go.

Ugh, ugh, ugh.

It was interesting to hear the fans at The Duck Pond are still booing Justin Schultz, I guess they’re never going to give that up. Oh well, whatever. You may have different ownership now, but you’ll always be the pathetic jerk-off Disney franchise in my eyes.

BO: Didn’t watch this game. Had family stuff to do.

I guessed ahead of time that they would make it infuriatingly close, and lose.

Apparently, I’m Kreskin.

Dec 17

Kings 3, Oilers 0

BO: I really think I’m going to go to some Oil Kings games before the end of their season. I heard they score goals and win games. Tickets are cheap too.

Craig was nice enough to invite me over to his pad to watch this piece of shit game.

While watching, I’ve decided that the most infuriating thing the Oilers have done all season are the line combinations. At one point, while the Oilers were playing WELL and down only ONE goal, Eakins decided to juggle lines to get something going. What? WHY? Gagner flipped from playing on the first “line” then with Gazdic on the fourth. This, all in the same period.

I just don’t understand.

You know the old expression Art for Arts’ sake? Well, Eakins must be fucking Jackson Pollack because he’s coaching with no rhyme or reason, except to call it “coaching” as he splatters the canvas with his coaching decisions. Pulling Bryz in the third with 3:10 left? Again, please explain to me why you do these things? MADNESS.

(Brent throws hands up. Walks to Rexall box office. Buys season tickets for the Oil Kings.)

CD: As Brent mentioned, the two of us convened to watch this crap game. The beer was good and the game was not.

As has been happening a lot lately, the game followed the script and went exactly as we probably expected. Los Angeles threw one of their many excellent goaltenders out there to face the Oilers and we failed to score on him. Martin Jones made a few nice saves but was not really tested overall. The only positive note during this shitty week of losing has been the welcome return of Bryzgalov from an undisclosed injury; he sure has played great since coming back and stopped 37 of 39 shots last night.

As for Brent and I, what we lacked in peanuts we made up for in Guinness, one of these days well get together and watch an actual victory. And some day, years from now, we might even witness a playoff game, complete with peanuts and everything!

Will the losing streak stop before Christmas or will the Oilers deliver a lump of coal to their fans against Colorado, St Louis and Winnipeg over the next five days?

“On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, some coping skills to deal with this team!”

And to all, a good night.

See you next week, In the Box

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